Memories and moments

“Photographs and memories All the love you gave to me Somehow it just can’t be true It’s all I’ve left of you” — Jim Croce

When my wife was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s disease in 2014, one of my biggest concerns was what our son would remember and how he’d deal with the upcoming challenges. He was just 6 at the time. Another worry was managing all of what my wife was going through, from the progressive symptoms of the disease to the ongoing grief of dealing with it. I don’t have any great wisdom. Despite what we all want, nothing will make this better. We can only figure out how we’re going to deal with it, day by day.

What would our son remember of his mom? Some of that depends on how quickly her disease progresses. But at some point, I recognized that part of that was up to me.

The same is true for my wife, of how she experiences her dementia, and life, on a day-to-day basis.

The biggest challenge in the early days was when she lost her driver’s license. Driving is independence in most parts of this country. She was now homebound unless I, or someone else, could drive her somewhere.

Keeping two cars was unrealistic, so we sold hers and used the proceeds for a family trip. A few memories.

But, my wife loved her car, so just before selling it, I decided she should have one last moment with it. Coming home one night, I drove into the stadium parking lot at the college and handed her the keys. For just a few minutes, she got a chance to drive one last time.

A little over a year after her diagnosis, I recorded a Storycorps interview with my wife. It’s available online and will be stored at the Library of Congress. These are memories we can share with our son and with others dealing with this disease.

I want my wife and son’s relationship to be as positive as possible, even as we all deal with the anxiety of her condition. So, at times, I need to manage that, which partly means stepping back myself.

Last year, when we had a bit of wet weather, they went out dancing in the rain, which I caught on video.

A while back, we were walking down Main Street and my son put his arm around his mom. I just fell a few steps behind, pulled out my phone, and snapped a picture.

I’ve learned to do this when they are having a positive moment, just take a step back and let them enjoy it. My wife gets a good experience with all she’s dealing with and our son gets a positive memory. With the number of bad times that will surely be coming, these provide balance.

We captured a few of these moments during our recent family photo session. As my wife and son started playing and acting goofy, I stepped back and the photographer snapped away. Whatever happens, there will be a record of their fun.

Even with her declining skills, sometimes my wife is the best of all of us at creating these moments. She’s always been friendly and outgoing and remains so most of the time. She’s someone who could make friends in the grocery line.

When we go out, she still interacts with strangers. Wherever we are, she finds something she can compliment them on, their clothes, shoes, jewelry, hair. Sometimes I worry that she’s being over familiar — and she will occasionally hug people she barely knows — but most people respond well. They usually have no idea anything is wrong and they don’t need to. They just know that someone made their day a little brighter, just for a moment.

People have speculated for centuries about the meaning of life. We try to make that meaning however we can. Sometimes we use faith, our work, or activism to try to make the world a better place. In most of those, we rarely know whether anything we’re doing has been successful.

But, trite as it may sound, one thing we have is each other. And with each other, we have each moment of each day. By finding those positive moments where we can, we make the lives of our loved ones just a tiny bit better.

Find those small ways to make the lives of your loved ones, and the world around you, a little better.