WHEN CANCER STRIKES THE FAMILY
‘Tid-bits’ of Health
When he was diagnosed with cancer and the scan showed a massive size tumor in the right side of his brain, I thought of how happy I’ve been to know that all eight of us and Mom are still alive. Now, I’m beginning to realize that my happy story is starting to have an ending that is not so happy.
My 50th high school class reunion was last week. It happened to be near where my brother lived, so I traveled to see him along with my old friends. He had just been released from the hospital and wasn’t fully recuperated. His mind was busy being confused, hallucinating, thinking he was driving truck, loading trailers, putting on tire chains, or pegging pants legs for his friends in high school. His restlessness continued day and night requiring attention every 10 minutes. Neither he nor his wife were able to sleep.
Before leaving for home, I asked his wife what I could do for her. Her quick response was, “you’re not here.”
She was right. I can’t do much if I’m not here, so I decided to return if I could.
Back in Porterville, I talked it over with my staff and interns. They all place importance on family and assured me they could take care of everything while I take care of my family needs.
The car was happy to make that 15 hour drive for the third time this week. And I was happy to see that my brother was a little bit better.
His wife talked about the funeral plans and where she would bury his ashes. She talked about how hard it was to lose him. Even though she had left him years ago, she still loved him enough to remarry the father of her children. She is not a caregiver kind of person, so going through this is not her cup of tea. However, when she gets into a routine, she does what she needs to do. She doesn’t want to see the day come when she loses him, but she is preparing for it.
My younger brother and I sat for several hours listening and watching while the wife spoke of her pain and cared for our older brother. I wanted to communicate with my older brother, but there was no opportunity. I got close to him once and touched him. I spoke to him, and he looked at me. His first few words started to make sense, but they trailed off into a nonsensical blur of nothingness.
Even though my first impulse was to jump in and make it all better, I have to put my impulse on pause. Do not act on it. Let his wife tell her story. I cannot “fix” anything. I can only practice holding space for her to express how much it hurts to go through what she’s going through. Every story does not have a happy ending, and I can’t fix pain by taking it away. All I can offer is companionship inside her pain. This is the path of true love. Like Don Francisco sings in one of his songs, “Love is not a feeling; it’s an act of your will.” Can I develop a love that’s fierce enough to stand in a World where things cannot be “Fixed”?
The wife directed many of her comments and questions to my younger brother who lost his wife to cancer a little over a year ago. It seemed that they could speak the same language of shared pain.
There are many aspects to dealing with cancer. The art of being present and the act of loving through the pain reach beyond the physical level to the emotional, mental and spiritual depths of health.
Come to the Senior Center today, Sept 22, 2018, from 2-4 PM. It’s located at 280 N. 4th St., Porterville. Someone is waiting to hear your story or experience your love. There’ll be a raffle for the children’s fund that is supplying treatment for a child with cancer. Hear that story too. Win a $100 container of face cream that Melania Trump uses to anti-age her beautiful skin plus other prizes.
Until then … TAKE CHARGE! … Sylvia