Disapproval of pregnancy becomes permanent rift
DEAR ABBY: I became pregnant with my second child in 2013. When my extended family heard the news, it was not well-received, particularly by my grandmother and aunt-inlaw. They said things like, “We love you, but we’re embarrassed and ashamed.” My once loving grandmother said some particularly cruel things.
I have to be honest — I was angry. I swore at her after she accused me of “using” my partner of 10 YEARS to get pregnant. The gossip and hateful comments from my family shocked me to my core. I wasn’t asking for a blessing, but unconditional love from this God-fearing woman was definitely expected. Fast-forward to now: My grandmother continues to hold anger and resentment toward me. She says it’s because I’ve “sullied our family name.” I have forgiven her, but when I took my kids to her house, she slammed the door in our faces. I’m at a loss about how to fix this. Should I say, “So long, farewell”? What can I do? — GIANT MESS IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR MESS: That she would slam the door in the faces of her great-grandchildren is reprehensible.
You haven’t sullied the family name, and you cannot fix this by yourself. The healthiest thing you can do, for yourself AND your children, is move forward and don’t look back.
DEAR ABBY: My family and I are planning a gettogether. It has been several months since we have been together because of the pandemic. Our younger brother has a new girlfriend who was introduced to everyone at the last gettogether.
That day, one sister mentioned a political proposition that was up for a vote in her state. The new girlfriend kept repeating “No politics!” every time my sister started talking about it. My sisters and I think it was very rude.
Now the new girlfriend will be in my home, and I am sure politics will be a topic of conversation, considering the current economic, political and health crises going on. My family likes discussing current events. How should this be handled so as to not offend and distance our brother’s new girlfriend, but allow us to continue having conversations that are meaningful to us as a family? — OUTSPOKEN IN FLORIDA
DEAR OUTSPOKEN Someone, preferably your brother, should have a chat with this woman before the next family gathering and make clear that your family enjoys talking about current events -- politics included — and she does not have the right to dictate to the rest of you what you can or cannot talk about. If the subject makes her uncomfortable, she should either move to another room or skip the event.
DEAR ABBY: I recently ended a toxic relationship and have you to thank for helping me move forward. I’m on my own now for the first time, which has been interesting to experience during our COVID crisis. It has made me realize who is truly important in my life.
I am reaching out to people from my past who are positive influences and trying to cultivate and nurture relationships. I am also reflecting on my personal issues that need working on while I detoxify. Thank you for your voice of reason and great advice, even when it has been difficult to accept the truth in it. — APPRECIATIVE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR APPRECIATIVE: Thank you for your sweet letter, and congratulations for finding the courage to end a relationship that was toxic. Not everyone is strong enough to do that, so they tolerate their misery for years. I’m glad reading my column helped you and gave you insight.
You are wise to give yourself time rather than rush into any new relationships, particularly now. Many people feel especially vulnerable because they are unaccustomed to being isolated as we have been for the last few months. I applaud you for turning it into a positive -- a period of reflection and growth.