Lonely in a crowd of virtual friends?
You’re not alone.
Facebook friends. TikTok followers. Online book club memberships. Zoom meetings. Group texts.
We’re slammed with connections.
So, why are we so lonely? This past February, the question, “Why do I feel lonely when I have friends?” and the query, “How to make new friends as an adult,” were among Google’s top searches.
The inquiries support the May 2023 “U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community,” which confirms America has an epidemic of loneliness.
The advisory is the result of four decades of research on social isolation and the debilitating effects it can have on health.
“Loneliness may be worse on your health than smoking, drinking and physical inactivity,” the report states. Lack of social connection worsens every kind of disease and can be likened to smoking 15 cigarettes a day, the findings show. Even the perception of loneliness, it adds, can increase inflammation to the same degree as physical inactivity.
“Loneliness is bad for you in all ways, and for society,” according to the report. But many people today say they suffer from it.
In a world in which technology seems to put people at our fingertips, how can this be?
Dr. Jada Johnson, a psychiatrist with Advocate Medical Group and affiliated with Advocate Illinois Masonic Medical Center, says connection is far more rewarding when it’s real as opposed to virtual.
“There is a generation now who will tell you they have 1,500 followers on TikTok and, of those, may consider several hundred of them to be friends,” Johnson
“There are people out there ready to listen and ready to help you explore how to feel more connected.”
— Dr. Jada Johnson
said.
“I break it down to this: ‘Who can you call if you’re having a bad day?’ And that’s when the list gets small and people start to talk about feeling lonely. When they have to bear the weight of whatever their struggle is all alone, that amplifies feelings of loneliness,” she said.
People feel most connected when they are physically present with people in the room, when they are engaged with each other, in person, not through a device, or while on a device, she said.
It’s the human condition that we need to be connected. And, yet, Johnson said, there are things about our culture that drive aspects of isolation.
A lot of the connection people crave is the kind that occurs during time away from work and the demands of busy life, she said.
But, she added, “Our culture is very demanding. We’re productivity focused. What are you doing to advance yourself? What have you done today? Other cultures put much more emphasis on down time, on connecting with friends and family.”
Social connectedness is vital to all humans of all age groups, Johnson said.
Children develop a sense of self and how they fit into a group through socialization.
Data shows that isolation can increase or worsen risks of dementia, cardiovascular disease and the subjective sense of loneliness in older people, she said.
Even young adults, a demographic often considered to be less likely to struggle with loneliness simply because of school and work, are reporting loneliness, Johnson said. Some of that may be due to virtual meeting spaces and online social activities, she said.
Today, she said, “People feel less of a drive to leave their homes to meet their social needs but there is wear over time when we don’t meet those needs.”
The pandemic, she added, underscored what was already happening in society.
“I have clients say to me, ‘I went a whole week and my phone didn’t ring.’ COVID may have highlighted that — people maybe thought they were connected and then realized they didn’t have the quality or depth of connection they desire,” she said.
The pandemic also shone a light on the differences between people who are introverted and those who are more social.
Deborah Ingram, manager of spiritual care for the south region of Endeavor Healthcare in Naperville and Elmhurst, said as we age, relationships change in significant ways. Children move out, friends move to dream destinations, people retire, people die.
Staying connected often becomes a matter of intentionality, she said. Especially for introverts.
“I would describe myself as fairly introverted. I like being on my couch with a book or Netflix,” she said. “My husband travels quite a bit. Sometimes I have to make myself go out to dinner with friends. It’s good to make yourself get out.”
But it’s also important to put your time and energy into “those relationships that are mutually life-giving, more than just having friends to have friends,” Ingram said. “Make sure your relationships are worthwhile.”
The surgeon general’s report makes a case for “creating a national strategy to advance social connection” but Johnson agrees, it begins with intentionality.
“I push that sense of proximity. It’s great to join an online group but it’s important to go to in-person things. Yes, life is super busy and you can talk on the phone with someone for 45 minutes and, fine, you’ve checked in. But if you go to their house and sit with them for 20 minutes, those minutes just feel so much more profound. That sense of connectedness is amplified,” she said.
Of course, there can be barriers to “getting out there.” Age, physical limitations and environmental issues sometimes limit access. There may not be safe parks or nearby coffee shops. Maybe you have to travel a greater distance to meet with people. How do you get there, and pay for that?
If you are feeling loneliness to the extent that it is affecting how you see your quality of life and diminishing your value for your own life, Johnson advises seeking professional help.
“There are people out there ready to listen and ready to help you explore how to feel more connected.”