ASK AMY Painful post exacerbates family drama

Dear Amy: My mother died almost 21 years ago.

On the 20th anniversary of her death, I was reflecting on her life, our relationship, and the ripples it sent through my life.

For better or worse, I posted my thoughts on Facebook. Our relationship had some huge ups and downs. She was a difficult person at times, and she said and did some pretty miserable things to me during the last five years of her life.

I did not go into specifics in the Facebook post, but I did say that the treatment I received colored my memories in a less than flattering way.

I summed it up by asking people to think about the effect their words have on the people around them.

My 32-year-old niece read my post and was offended. My portrayal wasn’t the grandmother she remembered. She then blocked me.

She showed my post to my brother, who berated me for my “anger,” and for forgetting that she loved me. He then said I need therapy to deal with my anger. That was the last I heard from him.

I saw a therapist for four months. After hearing all about my life, she marveled at my restraint.

Over these months,

I’ve sent cards and gifts for special occasions, as I always have, without mentioning the ISSUE, but I’m wondering if I should respond and if so, how?

— Distressed

Dear Distressed: Yes, people should be aware of the effect their words have on others. That includes you. Your knowledge, experiences, and memories of your mother would not line up with your niece’s. After all, your niece was 11 or 12 years old when her grandmother died.

You assume that your family members are upset with you because you have told the truth about your mother’s behavior and its impact on you.

I believe it is just as likely that they are upset mainly because you posted these thoughts, feelings, and impressions in a public forum.

You don’t mention having any regrets about this, but — speaking as someone who has written two memoirs — when you publish painful personal family stories, family members are going to react. You can either own your version, or retreat to your respective corners.

Ask your therapist to coach you about ways to handle this without violating your own truth.

Sending cards and gifts as you’ve always done might seem to you like gestures of reconciliation, but this behavior is also one way of sweeping this under the carpet without acknowledging the pained reactions that your posting seems to have triggered for other people.

Dear Amy: “Wendy,” a good friend of ours, passed away a few years ago.

Wendy and her husband, “Bart,” were married for over 40 years. During our last visit, we learned that he now has a live in “girlfriend,” who is basically his new wife.

This bothers my wife and me because Bart’s new lady-friend’s husband is still alive.

He suffers from dementia, and probably doesn’t know that any of this is going on.

Do you feel this is a proper way for Bart to act? How would you advise us to adjust our attitudes toward this?

— Upset Friends

Dear Upset: As far as I’m concerned, it is completely appropriate for “Bart” to engage in a new relationship. According to you, his wife passed away a few years ago.

In terms of his girlfriend, I don’t think it’s wise, or kind, for you to judge someone too harshly, unless you’ve walked in their shoes.

You should remind yourself that it is not your job to render a ruling on two people who have found each other late in life.

Dear Amy: I was surprised at your response to “Desperate,” the woman whose older parents kept defying COVID recommendations by sneaking out of their house.

I believe it is our responsibility to do everything possible to stop the spread of this pandemic. Shame on you for advising her to let them go.

— Disappointed

Dear Disappointed: At some point, each of us needs to recognize that we cannot control people who have the right to behave according to their own (possibly flawed) judgment.