Ill relative upends older folks’ holiday plans

Dear Amy: Last year, we had my husband’s daughter, her husband and their four children come and stay with us for a couple of weeks around Christmas.

When they arrived, the husband was clearly sick: coughing, sneezing, etc. Consequently, I became sick (I have severe COPD) and had to miss our annual Christmas Eve celebration as a result.

Can I ask my daughterin-law not to come here when anyone in the family is sick? I feel this should be common sense, but apparently it is not. I don’t want to offend anyone, but when my health is compromised, I feel the added stress.

My husband and I are not young. They are currently planning their trip, and I am worried. Can you help? — Worried

Dear Worried:

You should not need my help to inspire you to take care of your own health, but when it comes to extended family members, it is vital to clarify your needs and boundaries, because their understanding and cooperation are essential.

It might help if you approached this problem understanding that parents with many children often deal with illness as a more or less continuous issue. One or more family members is either getting sick, currently sick or recovering from their latest round of cold/flu.

However, the experience of the pandemic should have sensitized all of us to the needs of people whose health is compromised (like you) or who would simply like to avoid illness (everyone else), especially during the winter months.

So yes, you should tell these family members, “This year, please make sure that no one is showing any signs of illness before your trip. I’ll have masks on hand in case anyone picks up a bug along the way. Your dad and I are both vulnerable. We really need to safeguard our health.”

Measures such as mask wearing (for any ill person and for you) and diligent handwashing could reduce the risk for everyone.

Dear Amy: I’ve been with my girlfriend for about five years. We’ve broken up a few times, mainly for short periods. Currently, we are taking a longer break while we figure out if we want to move toward marriage. She says she can’t decide. Honestly, I feel like I can’t decide, either.

When we’re together, I feel like I do most of the emotional “work” in the relationship, while she is focused on her job, family and friends. My brother recently pulled me aside and said, basically, “Bro, you need to break up and move on.” I was shocked.

I’ve read your column for a long time. I’m curious for your thoughts.

— Unsure

Dear Unsure: Bro, you need to break up and move on.

Let me explain: You and your girlfriend have a pattern of repeatedly breaking up. This pattern will continue because your relationship is unstable, and you two are just not that into one another.

There’s nothing wrong with an on-again/off-again relationship, until during an on-again phase you two decide to get married.

Then, you’re taking your unstable entanglement to a whole new level.

Here’s my personal advice (twice married, now very happily so), boiled way down: It’s not supposed to be so hard!

I suspect that if you two make your break final and you eventually find yourself in a loving relationship, you’d (figuratively) smack your head at the years and emotional energy you spent on this person.

Buy your brother a drink. Thank him for his candor. And follow his excellent advice.

Dear Amy: Regarding outof-control toddlers: When my daughter was about 3 years old, we went on a short trip with her grandparents.

I told her I was taking the belt with me (which I never ever used on her). She was in the front seat with her grandparents acting cute and turned around and gave me this look as if to tell me that she was in charge.

I pulled a bit of the belt out of my purse for her to see, and we proceeded to have a great day. Parents need to let children know who is in charge.

Dear Mom: Threatening a young child with a beating and then giving her a visual cue to expand the threat is certainly one way to be in charge.

There are many other ways to assert your control that are far less abusive.