Parents on fence over son-in-law’s adultery

My wonderful daughter and her husband have been together for 15 years. We genuinely love her husband, “Danny,” and consider him our son. They have a 1-year-old, and we adore our grandson.

Danny’s job is challenging. Our daughter is taking a break from her own career to be home with their baby because Danny travels a lot.

Last weekend, our daughter told us that Danny had cheated on her. She is devastated, and so are we. We are so disappointed in him. Our daughter told us that she and Danny are trying to work things out. She says they intend to stay together and that she wants to stay married to him.

We worry about her self-esteem and think it’s not a good idea for her to stay married to someone who has been unfaithful. My wife and I want her to call a lawyer, but we are torn about sharing our opinion with her. What do you think?

— Torn Parents

Dear Parents: Couples do recover from episodes of cheating. When it comes to your daughter’s marriage, it’s a mistake for you to attach to a specific outcome.

If she asks for your advice about what you believe she should do, you should be honest with her. Otherwise, keep your opinion to yourself.

If you share your view, you should also say that you understand this is complicated, that it is her marriage — not yours — and that you will be in her corner, no matter what.

If she stays with her husband, you should also be honest with him. Tell him (privately) you’re disappointed in his choice but that you hope they can recover. If you put him down or react with anger, you may paint your daughter into a difficult corner. She could feel the need to defend him and thus distance herself from you.

Dear Amy: I am originally from Europe and have lived in Los Angeles for more than 55 years — so naturally, I consider LA my home.

Often in a group setting when I’m introduced to new people, I’ll say that

I’m from LA. A woman recently responded to this by saying, “You don’t have an LA accent.”

Just as it is rude to comment on someone’s weight, shape or appearance, I would think it’s inappropriate to comment on someone’s accent and how they speak/sound.

I don’t feel it’s necessary to divulge the country where I spent my childhood years. Furthermore, I don’t want to respond to queries of this nature at all. Is a response necessary when it was not really a question, but merely a statement?

— Dan in Los Angeles

Dear Dan: I’m curious about what a Los Angeles accent sounds like. Is it the up-talking popularized by “Valley girls” in the ’80s? The Kardashians’ low-throated vocal fry? The Spanish-inflected accent of some of the almost 50% of the Los Angeles population who are Hispanic?

My point is that in a cosmopolitan city like yours, many accents qualify as being “totally LA.” The unkindest assumption is to believe that the person you quote was really trying to figure out whether you are “American,” or to imply that you are not. This “where are you from” intimation comes off as rude to Americans like you — who may have been born elsewhere — because it paints you as “other.”

The kinder assumption is that someone asking about your accent is looking to connect. They may believe you and they share a similar ethnic or regional background. Or they’re trying (in a clunky way) to start a conversation.

If this is posed as a question, you can respond: “I’ve lived in Los Angeles for over half a century; this is my hometown.”

If this is posed as a statement (“You don’t have an LA accent”), you can respond by deflecting and asking where they grew up. Or you can say, “Hmmm. How about that?”

Dear Amy: “Sad and Confused” was upset when their longtime friends basically snapped their vacation rental of many years out from under them.

There is an ethic among people who rent hard-tofind vacation houses: Renters ruthlessly protect their rental weeks, and if friends poach, the friendship is over. — Island Renter

Dear Renter: I tend to agree.