Chocolate on Steroids
“Artis good when it springs from necessity. This kind of origin is the guarantee of its value; there is no other.” –– Neal Cassidy
In the middle of the night, partway through a cross-country drive, I unfolded myself from the driver’s seat at another random gas station. Someone special was waiting at the east end of Interstate 90, but the rig and I both needed fuel.
As sure as diesel hum at a truck stop, there is a chocolate muffin in the store. It’s wrapped in clear cellophane and called “Double Chocolate Muffin,” or “Chocolate-ChocolateChunk Muffin,” or something along those lines, depending on which semi-local bakery made it.
A gas station chocolate muffin can be hard to find. There is no one place where you can count on it being. But like love, you can find it if you look hard enough, or if you lower the bar enough, all the way down to Hostess if necessary. Not the cream-filled cupcakes; the chocolate muffin.
Anywhere else, the gas station chocolate muffin might be as forgettable as one highway mile after the last. But our expectations are low at the gas station, and our needs are specific. Enjoyed with a steaming cup of gas station coffee, that dark, chemically moist and shiny chocolate muffin keeps us truckin all the way to the next pit stop. And the muffin, in turn, elevates that mediocre coffee into something like an artisan cup brewed by a beard in a flannel shirt.
The gas station chocolate muffin and coffee don’t just improve one another’s flavor. They combine their pharmacological forces in turning you into a well-oiled driving machine. Both bittersweet delicacies contain caffeine, of which only coffee contains grown-up levels, while cocoa is rich in a similar molecule, also a stimulant, called theobromine, which translates from Latin to “food of God.”
Not as powerful a stimulant as caffeine, it lasts longer, and eases the jittery feelings that caffeine alone can give. There is evidence theobromine improves cognitive function, while reducing the risk of Alzheimer’s and cardiovascular diseases.
Cacao famously contains high levels of phenylalanine, which releases dopamine and norepinephrine, the endorphins responsible for the ecstasy of falling in love, and the energy that allows new lovers to talk for hours. Studies have shown most phenylalanine in chocolate gets broken down by enzymes before it has a chance to release those endorphins, but true Cupids know some of those biochemical arrows will hit their marks.
Chocolate also contains endocannabinoids, which human brain cells have special receptors to receive. And what discussion of euphoria would be complete without good old sugar, which triggers the release of yet more endorphins, plus giving you a sugar high, while dulling the bitter flavors of both chocolate and coffee. Luckily, theobromine also protects against tooth decay.
I got off I90 in Newton, Mass., and drove through the outskirts of Boston to my mom’s apartment. A few days later we headed for Montana, cup holders full of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee, and Dunkin’ chocolate muffins in the console, which I incorrectly presumed would be our last best road muffins.
At the Clifton Springs travel plaza in Upstate New York, I got a Starbucks muffin and a double Americano, and figured I’d hit peak crunk. Then came Chicago, in broad daylight. I needed a coffee and chocolate muffin IV, because I could not let go of the steering wheel with even one hand. And both feet were on the gas.
In LaCrosse, Wis., I discovered the gas station chocolate muffin of my dreams, at a gas station chain called Kwik Trip. The Kwik Trip muffins are baked in the LaCrosse-based Kwikery and distributed throughout stations in Wisconsin and Minnesota. Instead of being hard to find, their muffins are displayed in welllit cases, and you can also buy 4-packs. I was in love, but alas, I was also in a hurry. I hit as many Kwik Trips as possible before I crossed the South Dakota line.
In Murdo, S.D., sometime after midnight, the mask-free convenience store attendant insisted there wasn’t a chocolate muffin. I checked by the coffee, and then the refrigerated case where the sandwiches are, and then over by the doughnuts, in front of the corn dogs, and kept going until I finally found that elusive, theobromine-laced asset on the Hostess rack. Not the creme-filled cupcake. The chocolate muffin. When you’re in limbo, you don’t worry about lowering the bar a little.
She managed to ring me up and take my money without acknowledging me or my chocolate muffin, most likely annoyed that I’d raided her stash. No matter. I had what I needed to plow through another tank of gas, all the way through that COVID-laced wasteland and into the world’s greatest state, while my Valentine slept safely in the passenger seat.
When I got back to Montana, I reached out to the good folks at Kwik Trip. It’s quite the operation, vertically integrated to the point of having its own dairy, the fresh milk of which is sold at every Kwik Trip. And they were kind enough to provide their muffin recipe. With this muffin, and a cup of coffee, anything is possible.
For the recipe, follow the link: https://arilevaux.com/cocoa-power/