The Fishinator

The other day, I stopped down at the creek to see what two neighbor boys were up to. They were Choo Choo and Diesel, two avid fishermen. Instead of fishing though, they were busily piling stuff into an old John boat. I started the conversation with, “Pretty hot, isn't it?” “Yeah,” Choo Choo replied, “Sure is, but how hot would you say it is? Diesel and I are having a ‘how hot is it?' contest.” I squinted a little trying to come up with something good. “It is so hot I saw two fire hydrants fighting over a dog.” “That's nothing.” said Diesel, “It is so hot I saw pigs melt, the grease ran down into Dad's potato garden, and now he is growing French fries.” “That's a goofy one,” chortled Choo Choo. “I think it is so hot that if it wasn't for fish sweat, the creeks would be dry.” “Okay, I think you win because yours is the closest to being the truth, Choo Choo,” I chuckled. “Now that we have that figured out. What the heck are you doing with that boat?” “Oh, this, well with the water being so low and warm we know that it is putting a damper on the fishing.” “Yeah,” continued Diesel, “the low, warm water makes the fish and hatches sluggish, the clearness of the low water increases visibility and decreases the chances of a fish biting because we are too easy to see.” Choo Choo picked up the next part, “So, to counter these effects, we got the idea to create a Fishinator!”

I whistled between my teeth, then asked, “A Fishinator, huh? Of course, I suppose that would work well. Yep,…a Fishinator, so what exactly is that?” “Well, we got the idea from the big model you have on your back porch in that bin,” said Diesel. “You mean by my beer can recycling bin?” I asked. “See, I told you that's all that was,” said Choo Choo, while glaring at Diesel. “Well, it looked like a Fishinator to me and now we almost have our own done,” retorted Diesel indignantly. “Is that a wet dry vac in there?” I asked. Choo Choo stepped up proudly, “It sure is, but now we have it filled with bugs from your light fixtures on the porch and we set it to blow them out to re-create a hatch.” Then Diesel explained, “This hose on an umbrella is not just a hose on an umbrella. We have it hooked to this lawn mower engine so it will spin and spray cool water from this ice chest, cooling the water while providing shade. Watch, we'll start it all up.” The boys hooked the vacuum to a car battery and it started blowing bugs out the hose, over the gunnels of the boat. The motor fired up and the hose started spinning spraying water in a shower around the boat. It was quite a sight to see! I was impressed. I figured these boys were going to be on top some day. Diesel interrupted my thoughts by yelling over the din, “We probably won't even have to move too much. The fish will just come to us!” Being the adult in this situation I had to ask some standard adult type questions like, “Isn't it a little bit noisy?!” “What?” they yelled back. I asked again and they yelled “Naw, we got these ear muffs here, we won't hear a thing!” “Isn't it a little dangerous?” I yelled. “We have helmets, PFDs, and we used the vacuum to fill garbage bags that we'll use for air bags! It will only be dangerous if something goes wrong!” they yelled. Then finally I noticed the most important discrepancy in their plan, “Hey, isn't that my lawn mower and shop vac?” “Huh, Mr. Crisp, we can't hear you!” That's what I was afraid of. Before I could stop them they shoved off and started down the creek.

There they went, vacuum hose dragging behind them, blowing out lady bugs and churning the bottom. The hose was circling overhead on the umbrella like some crazed Mary Poppins, helicopter knock-off. They hit bottom on the first riffle and they held up their garbage bags and gave two “thumbs up”. I started to think maybe they were onto something. I was wondering if I would have enough stuff to steal for them to earn their first Nobel Prize, until they tried to cast out overhand. The boys' lines got caught in the umbrella, pulling their rods out of their hands. The rods were spinning around and the reels were bouncing off their helmets. One of the rods finally hit the reverse switch on the vacuum and it started sucking water out of the creek. “I've been meaning to fix that!” I yelled. Water started blowing out all over the inside of the boat which shorted the battery and turned the craft into a giant floating electro shocker. The darn boys were geniuses, they even had on rubber soled boots! Fish started bubbling up to the surface everywhere. The Fishinator was living up to its' name. The boys quickly pulled the wires off the battery and started to reach out for the stunned fish but leaning too far overboard, they dumped the boat.

As I helped them back to shore, I was getting ready to chuckle, when Diesel exclaimed, “That was great!” “Yeah, all we got to do is get a longer umbrella and a bigger battery and we'll revolutionize the fishing industry!” exclaimed Choo Choo. “We might even become millionaires,” continued Diesel. “Mr. Crisp, do you think your couch would work as an outrigger? Not that we'd use it, just wondering, bye the way you think you'll be around tomorrow?” “No thanks boys, I have some chores to do,” I said. I was grateful that Choo Choo, and Diesel got me out of mowing the grass and vacuuming the garage but I like my couch. So I quickly turned and went home before I could get talked into something I'd regret.

I think I'll stick to the tried and true, low, warm water methods for the duration of the summer: Start early and use very small baits and flies even if it won't be as exciting as a “Fishinator.” Oh, that reminds me, I got to go lock my tool shed.

See you along the stream.