What NOT to say when pulled over
by “the angry, sanctimony-besotted identity politics popular on college campuses and a handful of left-wing websites.” The man can turn a phrase.
Like Mr. Goldberg, I think the Democratic Party currently has more nuts than an oak forest and that Republicans won’t rest until they destroy public education. (My own pox-on-both-their-houses contribution.)
I was chuckling all the way down the column until he cites the Democratic National Committee’s data services manager, who sent out an email soliciting candidates for a job in the DNC’s information technology department but cautioned that she wasn’t interested in any “cisgender straight white males.”
Hmm. I have a good idea of what a straight white male is. I see one every night in the mirror when I brush my teeth. But cisgender?
Of course, my first call was to Barney Funk and Porter Wagnalls, the learned lexicographers who are known for their innate ability to analyze the semantic, syntagmatic and paradigmatic relationships within the lexicon of a language when they’re not flipping burgers at their local McDonald’s.
They told me a cisgender is a person whose gender identity corresponds with that person’s biological sex assigned at birth.
I wanted to follow up with them but they said the mechanical apparatus in which they frizzle edible tubers at McDonald’s was fragmented and they were up to their nates in apex predators.
I think what they were saying is that their French fry machine wasn’t working and they were up to their you-know-whats in alligators. Never push lexicographers when their French fry apparatus won’t frizzle.
I guess being cisgenderated means I Staff graphic
Of the readers who responded to our most recent poll about sexual harassment, 44 percent said Yes, they have been sexually harassed, and 56 said No, they have not been sexually harassed. Poll results reflect only the opinions of those who chose to participate. must take a pass on the opportunity to become a part of the IT team at the DNC. The fact that I don’t know the difference between a megabyte and a mosquito bite would likely disqualify me, not to mention showing up in my “Cisgender Lives Matter” T-Shirt.
But I can’t help but think about some Democratic stalwarts like former Gov. Roy Barnes. Sure, today he is one of the most widely-respected and capable lawyers in Georgia, but what if we suddenly quit suing each other?
Gov. Barnes might have no choice but to apply for the DNC’s IT department. (“Sorry sir, but you are a cisgender white male.” “But I was Governor of Georgia!” “Good for you but no cigar. Wilbur Sue, would you get me a Kleenex? I shook a cisgender’s hand.”)
And then there is former U.S. Sen. Sam Nunn (cisgender white male), former U.S. Congressman Buddy Darden (ditto), former Gov. Joe Frank Harris (ditto, ditto), former state House majority leader Larry Walker, the sage of Perry, Georgia (ditto times three.) Al ong with Gov. Barnes, all have served the Democratic party with distinction and yet none of them could get a job today in the DNC’s Information Technology department. Life can be so unfair.
In the meantime, let me thank you for continuing to check on me and my hemoglobics.
I hope learning of my cisgenderation has not caused you disappointment. And, please, let’s not share this information with the Woman Who Shares My Name. She is just looking for an excuse to feed me broccoli. Public utility worker trapped in trench has been freed ‘The’ Reynolds in Rome for RIFF Aragon man arrested on child molestation, statutory rape charges Ila Stargel Jones, oldest Georgian, passes on Police: Mills shot while Millsap was arguing with another person Jackson: RICO auction to be a ‘cathartic day’ Hamilton, downtown development bringing Winter Wonderland Recovering the money: ‘This one’s personal’ Cleveland man dies in Thursday night wreck Murder suspect’s mental state on trial 5,895 views 4,368 views 3,702 views 3,453 views 2,641 views 2,610 views 2,500 views 2,238 views 1,675 views 1,603 views
At one time or another, most every driver has been pulled over for some minor violation, like exceeding the speed limit, illegal lane change, driving on the wrong side of the road, or grand larceny.
In those cases, most of us behave properly — we give the police officer our license and insurance registration, say things like “I didn’t realize I was driving that fast” or “Do you have any tickets for the Policeman’s Ball? I go every year.”
Most people act as polite as possible, saving the burst of profanity until after the police officer gives out the ticket and the window is securely rolled up.
Others, though, don’t possess such acumen. This column is for them.
Below I have collected some tips on what not to say when pulled over by an officer of the law.
Feel free to send me the money you will save on tickets in the future. Don’t say: 1. “Hold my beer while I look for my license” (Okay in Louisiana).
2. “Sorry, officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.”
3. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?”
4. “Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 miles per hour to keep up with me! Good job!”
5. “Hold your horses, Barney Fife. I’ll get you my license when I’m good and ready.”
6. “I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. Looks like you’ve been hanging around that doughnut shop a little too much.” 7. “Do you know who I am?” 8. “No, ossifer. I been haven’t drinking.”
9. You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you? Whatever you do, don’t check the trunk.”
10. “Gee, officer. That’s terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning too.”
11. “I think you’re racial profiling me, and that’s the only reason I got pulled over. If I wasn’t an Eskimo, you wouldn’t have pulled me over.”
12. “I’m sorry for speeding. I was busy texting and didn’t notice how fast I was going.”
13. “Isn’t there a murder you could be solving right now?”
14. “I have a legitimate excuse for speeding: I just got new brakes, and didn’t want to wear them down by using them.”
15. “I’ll tell you what — if you don’t give me a ticket, I’ll do some free legal work for you. I’m a criminal defense attorney.”
Happy driving!