I pity the fool that misses this turn

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My wife and I make a good team because we share few of the same weaknesses. Her strengths are my weaknesses, and vice versa.

For instance, she’s very friendly and outgoing, while I tend to be more reserved. She’s very organized and energetic, while I lean toward disheveled and lethargic. She has a flair for decoration, clothes and style, while I wear clothes occasionally and enjoy setting flares.

Actually, upon closer inspection, there’s really no “vice versa” to it. We make a good team because she has all the strengths in our relationship, while I seem to dominate the weakness category (I’m No. 1!) — with one notable exception.

One thing I take great pride in is my sense of direction. I often recount the story of how I visited my cousin’s house in Arkansas five years after my first visit and navigated the entire route flawlessly on memory alone, without the assistance of a map or verbal directives from a vagrant on the street corner.

You are the first person to actually read of this astonishing accomplishment, because when I tell the story vocally, most people inexplicably have something pressing to do about two sentences into it. My wife doesn’t share my navigational skills.

My wife doesn’t have a sense of direction. The medical term for her ailment is Whereamiitis (pronounced where-am- I-i-tis). If Sibling Rivalry Disorder or Mathematics Disorder can be considered afflictions, I see no reason Whereamiitis can’t be allowed in the halls of science.

The good news is: There is a “work around” for those with Whereamiitis.

My wife has found that by utilizing programs and applications on her phone or car, she can effectively navigate herself. In fact, she has become quite adept at it. I haven’t received a “where am I?” call in years.

She hasn’t been as adept in convincing me to trust, or utilize, the navigation systems in my car or on my phone.

I’ve found two issues with relying on such navigation systems or applications: 1. Sometimes, they are inaccurate. This bothers me. And 2. The voice on the app I use is that of a British woman — soothing and cool.

So, when I miss a turn, she relays that vital information in the same reassuring tone that she tells me how many miles to the next exit. When I have yammering kids in the car, and my radio on, and I’m reading a book, I need a voice that will rise above the clamor and distractions.

I would suggest this system use a more distinctive voice, like Mr. T: “I pity the fool that’s not going to turn left!” Or “Hey, you with the teeth — quit your jibber jabber! You gotta get off at this exit! Turn, fool, turn!!”

That would grab a driver’s attention — which would be beneficial to those who are directionally challenged, like my wife, or distractionally challenged, like myself. Or maybe I could just pay attention.