How a confidentiality agreement becomes law
The scene is a fourth-grade classroom. Elaine Gustafson, a veteran teacher two years away from retirement, is calling her students to order for this morning’s current affairs discussion. MRS. GUSTAFSON: Good morning, everyone! Who remembered to watch the TV news last night? Were there any important news events we should talk about? Yes, Michael? MICHAEL: What’s a con … a con-sen-su-ality agreement? MRS. GUSTAFSON: A what, dear? Oh, wait … Do you mean a confidentiality agreement?” MICHAEL: Yeah. a con — … What you said. MRS. GUSTAFSON: Well … that’s when two people who have a, um, a special secret sign a piece of paper promising they won’t tell anybody else their secret, ever.
STEPHANIE: Can’t the president just order people to keep a secret?
MRS. GUSTAFSON: He can order them to keep secrets that belong to the country, like where the army keeps its guns, or where we have secret agents whose job it is to watch what other countries’ presidents are … Kelly?” KELLY: What’s a ‘porn star’? MRS. GUSTAFSON, under her breath: Oh, Lord. Here we go. KELLY: Mrs. Gustafson? MRS. GUSTAFSON: Yes, dear, I heard you. A “porn star” is a kind of actor who is paid to be in movies that you can only watch if you’re a grown-up, in the privacy of your own home or hotel room.
STEPHEN: Is that why the president went to a hotel with Stormy Daniels? Were they watching a movie?
MRS. GUSTAFSON: Now, really, Stephen, I’m sure the president of the United States has more important things to do than watch … LILLY: Or were they making a movie? (Giggles envelop the classroom.) MRS. GUSTAFSON: Look, I know you’re all very interested in what the president was doing with a movie star, but perhaps we should turn our attention to more important things. Who knows how a bill becomes a law?
RACHEL: I want to know how a confidentiality agreement becomes a law.
MRS. GUSTAFSON: Well … a confidentiality agreement isn’t really a law, Rachel. It’s more of a contract.
RACHEL: But won’t Stormy Daniels go to jail if she tells all the secrets she promised not to tell?
MRS. GUSTAFSON: Probably not. She’d just have to give the president his money back.
STEPHEN: But the president’s lawyer said it was his money. Why would Stormy have to give it back to the president?
MRS. GUSTAFSON: Because she promised she would, if she ever told their secret. Allegedly, I mean. PEGGY: What’s “allegedly”? And why do people always say that? MRS. GUSTAFSON: Let’s just settle down, OK, children? Look, I’m sorry I picked last night to tell you to watch the news. Normally, the news is not that … interesting. Normally, the president spends a lot more time talking to other world leaders than he spends talking to lawyers and por — that is, movie stars.
For instance, how many of you noticed that the president is also planning to have a very important meeting with the president of North Korea? Do any of you know why they’re meeting? Katie? KATIE: Does it have anything to do with Stormy Daniels? MRS. GUSTAFSON: No, dear. At least, not directly. The United States and North Korea have more important things to discuss with each other than Stormy Daniels. KATIE: What more important things? Are we all going to die? MRS. GUSTAFSON: Of course not! Whatever gave you that ... STEPHEN: My dad says the president just wants to change the subject.
MRS. GUSTAFSON, sighing: Wouldn’t we Wouldn’t we all.