Friends and fast nerves

Ihad started a recent Friday with the innocent purpose of taking my zero turn lawnmower out for its first dance of spring. But, having failed to check whether the tires had retained air pressure during wintery hibernation, the two front tires simultaneously detached from their rims.

I have a modest cache of tools designed for such emergencies, and I judged myself equally composed and prepared to remedy this temporary indignity. However, someone stronger than WD-40 and me (possibly my wife) had tightened the wheel bolts beyond influence of mere socket wrenches. After a couple of knuckle abrasions and reflux indigestion, I recognized the symptoms of what we called back home, “a case of the fast nerves.”

There are any number of ways to cope with a case of the fast nerves. Bobby “Juice” Johnson used to lick his fingers and touch the battery cables on his Chevy truck. The jolt caused his heart to flutter and his eyes to widen, but in LaGrange’s struggling mill villages nobody had money or time for doctor-prescribed shock treatments.

In my case I called Grady. Few people attain a level of recognition where complete names aren’t necessary ... Elvis ... Madonna ... LeBron ... Hillary ... Trump ... Grady. Customers at Dirttown Deli will know who I am talking about without ever knowing Grady’s last name is Teems.

Grady knows how to do stuff or knows somebody who knows how to do stuff. I mostly don’t know how to do stuff. So I called Grady and told him I had a couple flat tires on the zero turn lawnmower and since the tires were off the rim and I couldn’t loosen the bolts I couldn’t take them down to Wayne’s Tire & Brake for a pumping. A few minutes later Grady showed up in his Toyota Highlander.

I doubt if many instant responders arrive in a tasteful Toyota Highlander, in this case loaded down with enough shiny new tools LEE WALBURN Grady Teems, with his faithful friend Joe Bob, are equally well known at the Dirttown Deli.

one might suspect Grady was the mysterious Home Depot burglar. He buys equipment he will probably never use, but says you can never tell when somebody he knows could use them. When I talk about maybe buying a new this or that he will usually say, “Well, ain’t no use of us both having one.”

Grady has a new Chevy Silverado truck but left it at home. He said driving around in that truck without Joe Bob for company made him sad. The late Joe Bob was equally well known at Dirttown Deli. Like that strange phenomenon where dogs and cats eventually begin to resemble their masters, Joe Bob was full-figured and strung low to the ground. He usually remained in the truck during breakfast hours, as if choosier than Grady about his acquaintances. About 10 o’clock Grady always walked out to the truck with a cup of sweet tea and a can of Vienna sausages and woke up Joe Bob for brunch.

Joe Bob had a beagle’s modest IQ but was more like a basset hound when it came to energy. Grady liked it that way. As we worked on restoring the tires on my zero turn lawnmower he reminisced, “Joe Bob listened to whatever I had to say and didn’t pass judgment ... and anyhow, I never needed a dog that makes coffee, opens cabinets and retrieves ducks.”

Talk about flat tires and faithful companions

That has led me to put my money where my heart is and try to encourage the next generation of communicators to earn their seat at the head table and influence decisions in the external environment.

At the same time, I am a longtime seasonticket holder at Sanford Stadium and was attending games there when Georgia was getting beaten like a drum by anybody and everybody. That all changed when Vince Dooley arrived. You remember Vince Dooley, don’t you? He is the Hall-of-Fame coach for whom the field at Sanford Stadium should be named as has been done with other legendary coaches at most major college venues around the country.

Why influential lettermen whose lives were forever changed for the better by this good man don’t make this a priority while their coach is still around to enjoy it is a mystery to me. Maybe they will tell me. So far, I haven’t been able to get my phone calls returned, seeking an answer. And don’t tell me it can’t be done. It can.

I have often been critical of those who rate UGA only by its success on the football field. I have suspected that many of the rants on social media come from those who didn’t go to school there and don’t give a tinker’s dam about academics. Not me, except — uh, well, ahem — this is where the hypocrisy sort of seeps in.

During Mark Richt’s 15 years as head coach, I came to expect that our teams would usually be pretty good with little expectation they would be great. You may recall that in 2008, Georgia began the season ranked No. 1 and ended up 13th, despite having future pro stars Matthew Stafford, Knowshon Moreno and A.J. Green on the field together.

Staff graphic Of readers who responded to our most recent poll about their choice for Superior Court judge, 53 percent said Kay Ann Wetherington, and 47 percent said Emily Matson. Poll results reflect only the opinions of those who chose to participate. Contributed

consumed more time than either of us had intended, so Grady retrieved a brand new ratchet strap from the stash in the rear of the Highlander. The plan was to tighten the tires so forcefully against the rim bead they would begin to accommodate air. Which probably would have worked except we couldn’t figure out how the new ratchet strap works and Grady was beginning to show signs of his own case of fast nerves. His smartphone was beginning to bleat for attention.

Sometimes his phone is a down-home version of Angie’s List. He patiently promises favors, not always sure he can get it done but that he cares. He opens his billfold for homeless wanderers, their dogs, and their carts and friends aren’t surprised when he shows up at their house with half a smoked ham or a container of chicken and dumplings.

Some psychologists contend that doing good without expectation of reward often makes the recipient feel guilty because of the pressure to be equally selfless. All that psychological twaddle is a little too deep for me. All I know is the tires on my lawnmower fell off their rims and the first thing I thought to do was call Grady.

But having sat through enough 4-6 seasons in my time, a 10-2 or 9-3 season was OK with me as long as the Dawgs beat the YouKnow-Where Institute of Technology every year, which Richt did 13 times out of 15.

I still get night sweats from remembering how Bobby Dodd’s teams dominated us for eight long miserable years or roughly 2920 days until Macon’s own Theron Sapp broke the drought in 1957 at Grant Field, of all places. Praise his name.

Richt leaves and in comes the pride of Bainbridge, Georgia, Kirby Paul Smart, a former Bulldog defensive back, to take up the reins of the football program. All of a sudden, just being good doesn’t hack it anymore. The Bulldogs end up playing for the national championship in only his second year.

Not only can Kirby Smart coach a tad, it looks like he can recruit pretty well, too. At the recent G-Day scrimmage, he put eight of the top 25 recruits in the country on the field, including quarterback Justin Fields of Marietta, the nation’s top-rated quarterback. I understand more blue-chippers are on the way. Happy days are here again.

So, while I will continue to strongly and faithfully support the academic mission of my alma mater, including my beloved Grady College, with my time and tithes, I must confess I am big-time stoked over where the football program seems to be headed which is up and up. Is that being hypocritical? Heavens, no. It is being a proud Georgia Bulldog. Woof! Woof!

It is required by law that you have a license to drive a car. It is required by law that you have a license to fish. It is required by law that you do not remove a tag from a mattress.

But anybody — any age, any sex, any national origin, criminal record or not — can operate a grocery cart in a supermarket. No license required.

I find this oversight to be unsatisfactory and a stain on these United States of America.

First off, let me stress that I’m usually against additional forms of regulation by governmental entities — unless in the case of a national emergency. We’ve surpassed that point.

Simply put, people (other than myself, of course) don’t know how to operate grocery carts. It’s a national, perhaps international, epidemic of recklessness, ignorance and buffoonery. Since our government is in that exact same state, it comes down to me to solve this problem — as usual. I have come up with a list of basic guidelines of how to operate a grocery cart in a supermarket. We’ll skip the governmental intervention. Please post on your refrigerator, or forehead:

1. Drive your cart on the right side.

In most grocery stores, there is room for two carts to navigate one aisle. If cart drivers observe this simple guideline, traffic flow will go more smoothly. If they don’t, it won’t. And remember: Your right side, not theirs.

2. Do not park your cart, or gaze for five minutes at the bread selection with your cart, in the middle of the aisle.

This prevents others from doing their shopping, and causes a traffic jam behind you. Keeping your cart to the right, and out of the middle of the aisle, will prevent such gridlock.

3. If you want to study the nutritional guidelines for a certain item, fine. Leave your cart elsewhere.

If you prefer to take your sweet time and study how much riboflavin is in each of the products you are considering purchasing, or compare prices using an abacus, do so without blocking a lane for the other shoppers. You can simply park your cart somewhere out of the way of others, and meander around at your leisure.

4. Only use a motorized shopping cart if you need one.

I was at the supermarket recently when an elderly woman hobbled up to find there were no motorized shopping carts (which I call “rascals”) available. Instead, two kids were using them, swerving them around the store like the Dukes of Hazzard. C’mon, people. 5. Be alert to your surroundings.

I’ve found that when people are operating grocery carts, they have a blind side — mainly everything in front, behind, and to the left and right of them. They don’t notice if someone (usually, me) is waiting patiently behind them. Side mirrors for grocery carts could help, but I doubt it. Just try to be more aware of what is, or who is, around you.

6. At checkout, if you have a full cart, let the guy buying one Kit Kat go ahead of you.

Pay it forward. One day, if you follow this guideline, someone will show you the same courtesy, and you’ll be glad.

As you may be able to tell from my tone, I don’t particularly like going grocery shopping. I only do so for two reasons: 1. I’m always hungry; and B. My wife refuses to go. It’s only taken me 20-plus years of marriage, and of having to wait on aisle 5 while a man stares at the Rice Krispies with his cart in the middle of the aisle for what seems like that same amount of time, to realize why.