My identity and financial future is in jeopardy
My identity may be stolen in the near future and it’s completely my fault. I’ve got an app on my phone in which I can save all my usernames and passwords. I have dozens and dozens of passwords on there — passwords to everything in my life. It’s the only way I can keep up with it all.
And it’s really secure. All I have to do is remember one password to get into the app and then I can look up any username and password I need.
I recently got a new phone and I didn’t know if the app would simply transfer all that top secret info to my new phone like it does with regular data. So just as a precaution, I copied ALL that information — dozens of websites, usernames and passwords — in a giant email and emailed it to myself.
My email begins with the letters “SA” so I started typing it in the “recipient” field of the email and after typing “SA” I saw my email address pop up and I quickly selected it and hit send.
I went to check my email immediately to makes sure it was there and for several seconds it didn’t pop up. I started panicking.
But I made myself wait a few minutes before I really went into panic mode. Sometimes emails take a little while to come through.
Well it didn’t.
I immediately checked my SENT folder and sure enough there was my email. To my dismay, I had of course sent it to the wrong email address. It was out there in the world — all my passwords and usernames.
However, here’s the kicker. Guess who I’d sent it to? I suppose this is poetic justice or the universe playing a joke on me or whatever you wanna call it. But after typing in “SA” into the recipient field, I had inadvertently sent all my private information to SAMMY RICH.
Yes, THAT Sammy Rich, the Rome City Manager who doubles as my arch nemesis. I had sent dozens and dozens of passwords, my most secret and private of information, to SAMUEL EUGENE RICH. I don’t know if that’s actually his Christian name but for the purposes of this column let’s pretend it is.
So here I am, panicking that my passwords are now out there somewhere and on top of that I have to call Sammy Rich and eat humble pie, begging him to delete the email and trusting that he hasn’t already hacked into my life.
I called and he didn’t answer. So I sent a text message for him to call me and added that it was “a matter of life and death.”
He calls me back right away and when I asked what he was doing he said he was having lunch. I explained the situation and he laughed and joked that he’d be selling my information on the dark web. OK here’s the thing. I can be a very prideful person. I hate admitting I’m wrong and I especially hate groveling.
But now I had to eat humble pie and put on my most fake polite voice and ask my mortal enemy if he could please delete that email and never speak of it again.
Of course he was very nice and saw the humor in my error and promised to delete the email immediately. But I couldn’t help but wonder if my secret information was, in fact, safe with Mr. Rich. I mean, what do I really know about him?
So this is a public petition to Sammy Rich to not steal my identity. But I’m not just relying on his good will. I’m also relying on his practicality. I’ve come up with a list of reasons why he would NOT want to steal my identity.
1. I’m generally disliked
2. I’m poor. You have nothing to gain here.
3. My credit score is on the low end of two digits.
4. I know where you live.
5. What would Jesus do?
If you absolutely do need an identity to steal, here are a few suggestions:
1. David Mathis — everyone loves him including me. If you become David Mathis, you’ll get so many hugs from people all over the community.
2. Matt Plant — he also drives a truck, is of a similar height to you and he too has a shaved head. He’s basically a way better looking version of you.
3. Harry Brock — that guy’s loaded.
4. Gorg Hubenthal — he owns The Foundry AND he’s a highly skilled carpenter, able to craft anything with his bare hands.
I hope that all these factors have convinced you, Sammy Rich, to not sell all my usernames and passwords on the dark web and not to steal my identity. I know you’ll do the right thing.