Woman cannot shake her distrust of husband after catching him in a lie

Dear Abby: My husband and I are 58 and getting ready to celebrate our first wedding anniversary. We knew each other in college, but were just friends back then. After college, we married others and raised children. We stayed married to our spouses for close to 30 years. We reconnected eight years ago, started an affair and divorced our partners. Neither of us is proud of this.

He was out of town recently, and I caught him in a lie about having invited a female former colleague to lunch with him. I was shocked and hurt because this is how our relationship started. He has apologized, but I can’t get over the fact he lied to me, and it has caused a rift between us. He has always been honest with me, so I wonder why he lied about this woman.

I know I’m in no position to judge others. I can’t afford counseling, and we don’t belong to a church for spiritual help. I suffer from depression and anxiety (I am under the care of a doctor and take medication). How can I ever trust my husband again?

— Hurting Heart in the Mountains

Dear Hurting Heart: In light of the way your affair with your husband began, he may have lied because he was afraid of upsetting you.

A way to start this very necessary conversation would be to tell him how shaken you are that he wasn’t truthful and try to get him to explain why he thought he had to lie. You should also ask if he thinks there is anything awry in your marriage.

If he tells you nothing is wrong and there is nothing he would change, believe him.

However, if after that, you are still feeling insecure, ask the doctor who is treating your depression and anxiety to suggest some low-cost mental health/counseling services in your community.