The candy bar that’s saving America
As a kid, I had dreamed about it. The now-defunct Marathon bar was the closest my childhood came. But, now, two scores later, there it was, on the counter at my neighborhood convenience store, after all these years (cue music that would indicate the gates of Heaven opening up): The one-pound candy bar!
Specifically, the Snickers Slice n’ Share candy bar – one glorious pound of milk chocolate, peanuts, caramel, nougat, and caramel. It’s like a regular Snickers bar, except nine times as large – which is also the result of eating it. You’ll be nine times as large.
Of course, the first thought upon seeing this behemoth of deliciousness was: Do I have room in the trunk of my car?
I did.
But I didn’t have $17.99 on hand to buy the dang thing, or a permission slip from my cardiologist.
Apparently, this giant candy bar has been around for a number of years, and I’ve just been too employed to notice it.
And while I did consider purchasing it before realizing I was a grown man who shouldn’t be consuming 2,070 calories as a snack, or in a day, I immediately wondered who would be purchasing a one-pound candy bar? Other than chocolate-hungry 7-year-old kids. And people who are high, which – judging by the other items for sale in the immediate counter area surrounding the Snickers Slice n’ Share onepound candy bar – is everyone but me.
What kind of circumstance would prompt someone to purchase a one-pound candy bar? I’ve been to a lot of holiday outings in recent years and never saw a huge block of Snickers on someone’s coffee table as a hors d’oeuvre. They promote it as “slice n’ share,” but I can’t imagine a regular person could cut a one- pound anvil of nougat, milk chocolate, peanuts, caramel and nougat with a knife. Maybe a chainsaw.
I mean, who (besides me, of course) would buy an $18 one-pound candy bar?
People on the Interwebs, dummy. A swift look online found that it’s indeed a real “food” item, even selling at Walmart and on Amazon.com. Yes, we’re now ordering candy bars online and having them delivered to our door. Thanks a lot, Al Gore.
Some of the real reviews on Amazon from apparently real people:
“This thing is as big as my forearm ... wow. It is basically a solid block of sugar in various forms, with some nuts sprinkled in. It is so solid, in fact, that I genuinely think you could bludgeon someone unconscious with this.”
“I’m so happy. I bought 5 of these and ate all of them sequentially. My blood has turned to chocolate and my weight has increased by 400 pounds. Now I carry an automatic dialysis machine complete with an insulin dispenser..... Totally worth it!”
“So, yeah, it’s pretty good. Do not stick this in the fridge. Also call your dentist. You’re going to need him shortly.”
“I’m pretty sure this Snickers bar is the spark in the powder keg that causes the downfall of civilization. The apocalypse has a taste and that taste is of a delicious giant Snickers bar. I know what to stock in my fallout shelter.”
While I selected the comments that I found comical, the consensus, from 2,049 comments, was overwhelmingly positive – 4.8 stars out of 5.
And apparently, our online friends are still hungry. Under the “Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought”: The 5-pound Hershey’s Milk Chocolate Bar. For only $59.95, you can order online and have all 12,000 calories shipped to your door.
Just like I dreamed about as a kid.