A taste of Bart’s chalkboard comedy
“The Simpsons” is closing in on 700 episodes, in its 32nd season on TV. Many of those who read this column probably don’t watch this television program because it’s a cartoon. Fortunately, I don’t read this column.
To truly get the appeal of “The Simpsons,” you can’t simply watch it. You have to pay attention. Much of the brilliant satire and humor is found in the periphery — on signs in the background, scribbled on T-shirts in the corner of the screen, or in fast-paced dialogue that takes a few seconds to sink in.
A prime example of this is seen at the start of each episode, where Bart Simpson, the mischievous 10-year-old son, is writing on a chalkboard, obviously as some type of punishment at school. The shot of Bart writing the same sentence over and over is shown very briefly, but to the very attentive eye, often results in a comical payoff.
I recently discovered a listing of
“Bart’s Chalkboard Quotes” all in one place. I have chosen a few for your — my — amusement:
♦ I will not speculate on how hot a teacher used to be.
♦ I will not yell ‘she’s dead’ during roll call. ♦ No one is interested in my underpants. ♦ Non-flammable is not a challenge
♦ Adding ‘just kidding’ doesn’t make it okay to insult the principal.
♦ I will only provide a urine sample when asked.
♦ A person’s a person no matter how Ralph.
♦ When I slept in class, it was not to help Leonardo DiCaprio.
♦ I will not eat things for money.
♦ I will not Xerox my butt.
♦ Tar is not a plaything. ♦ I will not trade pants with others. ♦ Indian burns are not our cultural heritage.
♦ Beer in a milk carton is not milk. ♦ I will finish what I sta
♦ I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
♦ The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
♦ The Giving Tree is not a chump.
♦ The boys’ room is not a water park.
♦ Milhouse did not test cootie positive. ♦ Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things.
♦ The hamster did not have a ‘full life.’ ♦ Fridays are not really ‘pants optional.’ ♦ I will not hide the teacher’s Prozac.
♦ A trained ape could not teach gym.
♦ No one wants to hear from my armpits. ♦ A booger is not a bookmark.
♦ I will not ridicule the teacher’s Final Four bracket. ♦ Fish do not like coffee.
♦ Dodgeball stops at the gym door.
♦ A burp in a jar is not a science project. ♦ Bagman is not a legitimate career choice. ♦ Organ transplants are best left to the professionals.
♦ A fire drill does not demand a fire.
♦ There are plenty of businesses like show business.
♦ I will not grease the monkey bars.
♦ The principal’s toupee is not a Frisbee. ♦ I saw nothing unusual in the teacher’s lounge.
♦ The pilgrims were not illegal aliens. ♦ There is no such thing as an Ipoddy. ♦ Guinea pigs should not be used as ‘guinea pigs.’
♦ Does any kid still do this anymore? I hope so — for comedy’s sake.