Arm wrestle your way to employment
Have you ever heard the Latin phrase, “carpe diem”? It means “let the buyer beware” – for this joke.
Although I’m not from Latvia, I know a little Latin, and that phrase came to mind the other day when a friend was telling me about a person who came to his office looking for a job.
When my friend asked this person why they left their previous employment, the job-seeker replied, “my boss told me I was too stupid to work, and had to let me go.” Some people would applaud such honesty. I boo it lustily.
Whoever said “honesty is the best policy” apparently was never fired for being too stupid to work – or perhaps they were.
Like politics, and marriage, in the world of job-hunting, being totally forthright may not be the best idea, especially if you’re too stupid to work.
Hopefully, the job market will start to recover from the pandemic soon. With that in mind, here are some free, easy-to-remember tips for the stupid, and not-so-stupid, employment seekers among us:
♦ It’s not a good idea to tell a prospective employer: “Here’s my resume,” and pronounce it as “re-zoom.”
They’ll automatically think you’re too stupid to work when you pronounce it “rezoom.” The document you give to potential employers is called a resume (“rez-umay”). Pronounce it correctly and you’re a step closer to employment. Pronounce it correctly with a zesty French accent and you’ll get a job offer on the spot.
♦ Never, ever express an opinion during the interview process.
Resist the temptation, no matter how great or how much the interviewer incites you. And if you have to fill out an application that prompts you to list hobbies, don’t put down any hobbies that reveal anything about you or your personality. Don’t put down Qanon rallies, sugar packet collecting, or smoking dope as your hobbies, for instance. If you must, put something very nondescript and boring, like reading, or spending time with family and friends, or walking. You never know what prejudices or biases your interviewer may have.
♦ Don’t be afraid to make yourself look good.
People want to be impressed. If you can do something especially well, whether it be typing, operating a fork lift, or making funny noises with your armpit, don’t be shy – brag about it. If you don’t mention it, they’ll never know how talented you are. ♦ One last thing.
If the interview isn’t going well (signs include the interviewer falling asleep or cursing loudly at you to get out of their office), it’s a good idea to turn the tables and challenge the interviewer to arm wrestle you. Sound crazy? Yeah, crazy like a weasel. If you beat them, they’ll be impressed by your moxie and strength. If you lose, they’ll feel great about themselves and want to keep your lily-armed self around. Either way, you’re as good as hired.
Welcome to the world of the deviously employed!