Husband talks about what he wants in his will, won’t put it into writing

Dear Abby: I have been married to my husband for seven years. We are in our 60s. He refuses to make a will. He tells me what he “would” put in his will and asks me if I am OK with his wishes.

He has an adult child from his first marriage and would like to include her in the will. I’m fine with what he wants. This conversation has been going on for more than five years now, but he never acts on it.

I am very hurt and frustrated.

The house is in his name, and my name isn’t even on his checking accounts. I resent him for this. There are times when I want to get a divorce because I feel if something should happen to him, I will have no security. I also think he is being selfish and unloving to me and his adult child to leave us in a situation where we would have to go through the probate process. Please help me to get through to him.

— Resentful in Maine

Dear Resentful: Your husband may be afraid to face the idea of his own mortality. He wouldn’t be the first.

The two of you need to make an appointment with an attorney who specializes in wills and estates. If he doesn’t put his wishes in writing, the assets he has worked so hard for may be seriously diminished when the state decides “for him” and takes a sizable chunk out of the estate.

While you are talking with the lawyer, there should also be a discussion of end-of-life planning. Does he want hospice? Palliative care?

Do you know what his wishes are in the event he is unable to speak for himself? Those wishes should be in writing and so should YOURS. (This subject should also be raised with your doctor(s).) Death is a fact of life, and hiding from it won’t make it go away.