How to spare yourself from jury duty ♦
“Have you ever been convicted of a felony?”
I believe my answer to that query got me relieved from jury duty.
“Convicted...,” I said slowly, pausing for an eternity, swirling an imaginary lozenge in my mouth with one eye closed — the official trying-to-remember-my-brushes-with-the-law facial contortion. “Naw, never convicted.”
Five times out of 10, which is almost 50%, the above dialogue will exempt you from jury duty.
With the pandemic behind us (praying), folks are going back to court all across the nation. Almost 1% of Americans will be called for jury duty this year alone. Ironically, that’s the same percentage of Americans that vote.
Contrary to its name, jury duty is not a duty, but rather a privilege.
That’s what I’ve been told. I guess having the ability to send a neighbor to jail is a privilege in some cases. But “jury privilege” just doesn’t sound right. And “duty” is a much funnier word. I’ll stick with jury duty.
I don’t in any way condone using ploys, trickery or deception to absolve yourself from the privilege of serving on a jury, but fellow inmates have told me the following ploys, tricks and deceptive practices are sure-fire methods to spare yourself from being a juror:
When they ask you if you know the defendant, reply: “No, but he looks just like the maggot that stole my post-hole digger.”
Enter the courtroom. Sit down. Then jump up and scream “I object!” Sit back down.
Repeat every two minutes until you are apprehended.
Early in the proceedings, stand up and ask how much they pay you for jury duty.
When they respond “$35,” scream “Whippee! We’re going to party tonight!!”
When an attorney asks if there is anything that would prejudice you against a defendant (or against an attorney), answer “Yes!” very loudly.
When they ask you what would prejudice you, say: “I don’t know. He just looks like a crook.”
If you are still seated as a potential juror, raise your hand. When acknowledged, ask: “Is this a death penalty case?”
If they answer yes, yell “Yippee!” immediately and attempt to give a fellow juror a high five.
If they answer no or “I don’t know,” or something other than yes, react with disgust and bellow, “Darn! Man, I wanted to fry someone!”
If still seated as a potential juror, go to the front row. Then raise your hand and ask: “May I go to the bathroom?”
When someone replies affirmatively, stare straight ahead with a determined glare for about a minute, as if you’re straining. Squint your eyes and furrow your brow. Then — after at least two minutes — let out a loud sigh, look at whoever gave you permission to use the bathroom, and say, “Thank you.”
When asked what your occupation is, respond, “I work for a newspap...” “You’re excused.”
Wonder why that always works.
Email Len Robbins at lrobbins@ theclinchcountynews.com.