A mother’s tale
Possibly the most distinctive feature of the United States of America is how much we value individual freedom. I grew up with the message that I should be my authentic self, and that free expression of that self would allow me to thrive.
I raised my children in Milan, Italy, and in the 1990s and 2000s most of the kids at their school were white, straight and cisgender (sticking with their birth gender). There weren’t many role models that gave kids the idea they could be different, and as a result “different” kids sometimes got bullied and were often unhappy. Individual freedom didn’t seem to be valued as much as conformity was.
My older daughter, who was born male with a sweet, creative, and somewhat feminine disposition, spent her high school years depressed and suicidal. She would refuse to take showers, as if she subconsciously wanted everyone to stay away. She hated her male body and didn’t take care of herself.
So when at 27 she told me she wanted to become female, and I sensed a brand new attention to self-care and a way out of her depression, I was relieved. I admired her courage; for a person to begin the long, arduous journey that transitioning entails is one of the hardest things I can imagine. People who take that on have to REALLY want to. The adversity trans people have to deal with can be devastating.
As a parent I got a crash course in gender identity. I learned that we think in binary ways (male/ female, gay/straight). But there is actually a spectrum. Some people are born with female organs, or male organs, but a surprising number are born with both, or something different. Some people are gay or straight, but many are a bit of both. Some people identify as female but seem male (we used to call them “tomboys”); others are difficult to categorize.
And why should we categorize? Shouldn’t people express who they feel they are, in whatever way makes them happy?
There is a lot of fear in America right now about role models influencing children. But if children are exposed to a variety of models, won’t that help them understand who they really are, giving them a better shot at happiness?
There are things about adjusting to having a transgender child that haven’t been easy for me as a parent, and my child is dealing with things that are much harder still.
But I can see how strong this is, this unstoppable wave of authenticity that drives my child and so many children and adults in this country.
Just as we have embraced gay marriage, our country will eventually embrace people transitioning. It is authentic. We believe in individual freedom and our culture was designed to be inclusive.
This is who we are, and I am thrilled with my new home city’s PRIDE in every person’s right to express their identity, in whatever ways feel most authentic and can give them a shot at happiness.
May we honor our children, as they spread their beautiful wings. May they be free to choose whatever colors of the rainbow they feel fit them best.