Victim of a physical assault is still wrestling with the impact years later

Dear Abby: Many years ago, I was the victim of a violent assault that my then11-year-old daughter witnessed. It traumatized both of us. I completely dove off the deep end. I started drinking and smoking pot, and quit going to church. My whole personality changed. I dumped every moment with my children I could onto my husband so I could go out with my “friends” to clubs, bars, concerts or parties. I then started having affairs with many different people, including women. My husband knew about all of it, and despite the torture and pain, he stayed with me.

Years later, I have managed to slowly heal from that devastating assault. I have found true joy in my children and being a mom again. I don’t party, drink or smoke anymore. But I’m no longer sexually attracted to my husband. I love him very much, but the thought of being intimate with him grosses me out. I don’t even like it when he tries to caress me. It has been like this for a year. But I do love holding hands and cuddling.

I feel bad because I know he has needs, but I just can’t bring myself to get physical with him. I’ve actually thought that leaving him might be necessary because he has never fully healed from what I’ve done, and I’m still struggling with finding other men attractive. Abby, what do I do?

— Putting The Pieces

Back Together

Dear Putting: Please accept my sympathy. I am struck by the fact that nowhere in your letter did you mention receiving counseling.

If you didn’t, please seek a referral to a licensed mental health professional now so you can understand the connection between what you experienced in your assault and your lack of feelings for your husband. You owe it to both of you.

Please don’t wait to reach out because help is available.