First watch
Lately, my thoughts have been on those we have lost and are losing to suicide, mental anguish, the things they don’t mention. On the ones who keep the family secrets, absorb the blows, or take on the role of guardian when others are in need of protection.
It is for these dear, often misunderstood, souls that I penned the following: Dear Secret-keeper,
You stood watch. And didn’t sleep for years. You’d already been exposed to the dark, so the dark is where you’ve stayed. When faced with what you had in front of you, you chose protection for others because you loved them.
So, recognize your honorable heart. Recognize the strength of your love to do what true love does in the face of danger — it protects. It was with great love, true love, that you did this.
So, it is important that you know: Not everything we do in brokenness is broken. Not every move we make in the midst of destruction is mangled.
It wasn’t for weakness of mind or heart that you existed in this way.
But bearing such an incredible burden for so long has left you undone, your facilities are depleted. And so to you I say now: Be stirred from a role that does not belong to you. This is your time.
Be released. You deserve your own breath. You deserve the fresh air that surrounds you. You deserve real rest.
You do not have to keep watch. It was the only option for you at the time. You are not responsible for what happens to others.
You deserve to thrive. You deserve protection. You deserve the life you tried to keep intact for others.
You should not have had to bear the brunt. You should not have had to manage the dysfunction. You should never have known such loneliness and uncertainty. You should never have known such loss.
You deserve to be nurtured. You deserve to be heard. You deserve to be understood. You deserve to be trusted. You deserve to be believed. You deserve your own healing. You deserve to allow yourself to grieve, to hate, to scream, to be bitter, to be mad as hell. You deserve to feel everything on behalf of yourself, now. You deserve the life that you were denied living. You deserve to get to be Your Most Authentic Self.
It was with great love that you took that role on. But now you can be released from it. They can be OK. They will be OK. They are OK.
You do not have to hold their pain. You do not have to keep them any longer.
Your body took into itself the burdens of the world. It stretched its muscles and swelled its glands. It tightened its grip and brittled its bones. It has spent its strength on surviving the blows. It has been locked up and tightly wound.
Come back into your being now — Body, Mind, and Spirit.
Now you can turn the love and devotion that you reserved for others inwards towards yourself.
Embrace that brave child. Thank him or her. He or she was fierce and true. He or she has protected you too.
SuicidePreventionLifeline.org. 1-800273-TALK (8255).