Partner turns to addictions to cope with the stress after baby’s birth

Dear Abby: I’m having a big problem with my boyfriend. We had a baby five months ago, and since then he has changed drastically. He previously had a problem with addiction, but had a handle on it. He told me the baby was powerful motivation. My pregnancy was blissful, and he was attentive and caring.

I know babies are stressful, and ours had colic, so we had many nights filled with screaming. I do most of the work with the baby. I quit my job to be a stay-at-home mom and nurse him. The only time my boyfriend takes care of the baby is for me to take a shower. He has been drinking every night and now he’s doing marijuana as well. He is funny when he’s high, but I don’t trust him to take care of our son when he’s that way. He is also addicted to his phone.

When I try to tell him how I feel, he gets defensive. He accuses me of “trying to start problems.” He also lies about his addictions. I only recently found out about some of his lies, and now I’m having a hard time believing anything he says. This is not how I wanted my life to be. This is not what I wanted for our baby. I’m trying to decide whether it’s better to put up with it or leave. I’d have to get a job and find child care. The thought of my son in daycare makes me sick, but so does being treated this way. Please advise me.

— Troubled New Mom

Dear Mom: Face it. Your boyfriend has backslid, and you can no longer trust him to be truthful with you. Your problems will never be resolved if they can’t be discussed without contention. Start looking for reliable daycare for the baby and for a job. If you do, you will have a head start on the inevitable. It may also be the “jolt” he needs to get straight again.