What if it can’t be fixed?
More times than I can recall in my professional office, husbands and wives said in a variety of ways, Here’s the problem, “Fix my spouse!” Some parents immediately identify the issue as, “Fix my kid!” From those similar families, younger family members will often say, “Fix my parents” — or other words that convey the same message.
Isn’t it interesting that we all agree at some level? Somebody has got to change. In this stressful time, our mental health leaders are suggesting behavior needs to change to protect us from more destructive societal issues. In the face of things that need to be changed, many demands are being heard, from a variety of groups — for society to change, for monuments to be removed, and for reforms at many levels to be enacted. Among the most stressful and disruptive actions are violent protests.
These actions only bring about destructive ends.
The difficult question for many of us is, what if it can’t be changed?
The issues in society seem to be the most divisive. “Demands” are screamed before discussions have begun. Negotiations fail to begin before destruction is already present. Can we find a way to fix these divisions? I do not know the answer to that question. Cooler minds can lead the way to redemptive change if we learn to listen.
However, my experience in facilitating family change gives me some insight into a useful approach. Family systems stay in some sort of “balance” until a change is made. Parents keep doing what they think works and kids learn what’s acceptable for them. Wives and husbands avoid unnecessary conflict. That is true until an element changes. Things are then thrown out of balance.
Here’s the secret to family life: Change begins with me. I cannot change others until I am willing to face the change I need to make. Here’s an example: Larry was sure he knew what his family needed to do. He told all the members of the family how to behave. When the entire family came for a counseling session, after some encouragement, the children described Larry’s “yelling” as frightening, and they were afraid to talk to him. In our discussion, we agreed on a “behavioral contract” which included some of the things Larry wanted, but the family agreement asked only one thing from him: Do not yell.
We agreed that changing his “yelling” might allow some conversations about the things he desired. You can already guess the outcome. When Larry changed, the family changed. The lower his volume, the more the children listened. It was an amazing transformation for Larry and his family. The three laws of change are:
1. I can only change myself.
2. I cannot change you.
3. If I change, you must change in response to me.
Can these principles work beyond marriage or family settings? I believe they can. You might change your whole life surroundings. Only those who have been willing to explore change can enjoy its rewards.