What to say — and what not to say — when people share their COVID-19 fears

Don’t minimize the other person’s fears. Saying things like, “You have nothing to worry about,” does not make anxiety magically disappear.

Rattling off statistics about recovery rates doesn’t help either. Saying something like, “The vast majority of people who are infected recover,” doesn’t help somebody manage their concerns in the moment, Abrams said.

Avoid problem-solving. “Any statement that begins with ‘You just need to’ or ‘All you need to do is’ is not helpful and dismisses real fear about health, finances and safety,” Osequeda said.

Try not to give unsolicited advice. Unless the other person explicitly asks you for suggestions, you shouldn’t offer your two cents. “Most likely, people are just looking for an ear,” Abrams said. “They’re looking for a heart, somebody who can meet them in the experience and then they can better figure it out on their own.”

Nix the word “should.” Statements with the word “should” sound supportive, but they aren’t. That’s because we are telling people what to do or how to feel, said Sonia Fregoso, a licensed marriage and family therapist. Offering counsel like, “You should just practice self-care” or “You shouldn’t be so negative,” is not helpful.

“I believe this advice comes from a place of concern for the other person,” Fregoso said. “But we don’t know how to express that concern and we may fear that we are adding onto what the other person is already going through.”

Instead, reflect, validate and be curious. A better way to phrase your concern is by using reflection, validation and curiosity, and in that order, Fregoso said. Mirror the emotion you hear in your friend’s voice. Fear, sadness and worry are all common emotions people are feeling right now.

Osequeda suggests saying things like this to reflect the other person’s emotions:

• “I can’t imagine how this must feel for you, and I am here to listen.”

• “I hear you,” while nodding.

• “That sounds really hard.”

• “I can hear how scared you are.”

Next, validate the other emotions. Goodman saying things like:

• “Yes, it is really hard to sustain person’s suggests your work in the middle of a pandemic.”

• “It is really hard to be busy, and we’re not all functioning at our full capacity.”

• “Having to work full throttle amid all of this is challenging.”

• “It is terrifying to lose your job. You must feel like you’ve lost your sense of security.

• “It is hard to not know what’s next.”

Whatever their stresses, “help them feel normal about having feelings during a pandemic,” Fregoso said. “All feelings are valid.”

Many people have had to move or cancel milestone celebrations and trips. It’s OK to be upset. Scrapping plans and abandoning dreams is sad.

“People invest a lot of time, energy, money, planning into any of these milestones and finding a way to grieve it is important,” Goodman said. Validation looks like agreeing with them that it’s upsetting to go through this loss.

Finally, Fregoso said to be curious about what the other person needs to process their fear, worry or sadness. If someone is worried about, say, getting sick, once you validate that, yes, it is scary to be fearful for one’s health, ask what aspect of contracting the virus he or she is most worried about. Make sure the other person feels heard.

If you’ve said the wrong thing, you can still repair. Once you realize what dismissive positivity statements sound like, you may realize you’ve botched the job as a confidant.

Abrams suggests reaching out. Say something like, “Hey, I noticed when we were talking earlier, it didn’t seem like you were connecting with what I was saying. I realize I slipped into cheerleader mode. Can we try again? How are you doing now?”

Reflect on why this conversation is uncomfortable for you. “The antidote to dismissive positivity is just to really listen to what someone is experiencing,” Abrams said. If that’s hard for you, she recommends investigating why. Figure out what about the conversation is making you uncomfortable and what you’re trying to accomplish by being overly positive.

If you’re at a loss for what to say, she suggests asking the person directly what he or she would find helpful so you can face the issue together.