Spouse insists that teen attends the perfect university

Dear Carolyn: My spouse has always advocated for letting our children work out their problems, find their own way, etc. EXCEPT when that approach has led to “suboptimal” results.

As you might imagine, anything less than a perfect score is “suboptimal.”

We have a rising senior with very high test scores and high grades in a rigorous program.

My spouse spends 10 or more hours a week trying to “make sure” our child gets into the “best school possible” even though in the abstract we both agree (agreed?) there is no such thing. This has led to nights with four hours or less of sleep and a general irritable attitude toward everyone — including our child, who my spouse has been calling “ungrateful” many times a day.

What can I do to rip out the hamster wheel? We have three more kids; this issue is not going away.

Suboptimal

Your spouse is torturing your kids; verbally/ emotionally abusing them (“calling [child] ‘ungrateful’ many times a day”?!); setting them up for low self-esteem, which often leads to substance abuse, depression and anxiety; and superimposing the spouse’s own life goals on them, which can make it difficult for them to recognize and heed their own inner voices.

Even if you didn’t have three more kids, waiting it out until your kid graduated would not be a valid response to your child’s needs.

Please skip the DIY tactics and find a therapist. Ask your pediatrician for names — and help. If your spouse refuses to go, go solo, and add an attorney to your referral-request list. Do not mess around.