Friend wants to help friend cope with struggles

Dear Carolyn: My best friend’s daughter has a terminal illness, bravely fought but coming to an end. I’ve been with my friend throughout, sharing tears, trying to help with practical things like housecleaning and groceries, sometimes getting her to do things that take her mind off the situation. Mostly just listening. Is there anything at all I could say or do to ease some of the sorrow that is coming? I’ve nearly gotten to the point where I dread seeing her. Not because I am tired of listening but have nothing new to ease her pain.

I am so sorry. No one can ease the pain that is coming.

All you can do, all any of us can do, is make sure no one goes through it alone — except when people request that, of course, which some do.

Clearly you understand this, having already done so much to minimize her suffering. You’re a good friend. What you may have underestimated are your own needs. It is mentally exhausting to be the everpatient listener. Tears are exhausting for sure. Just managing one’s own “practical things” is exhausting on top of everything else, and you’ve shouldered at least part of the load for another. And no doubt you know a best-friend’s daughter well enough to be grieving her imminent loss yourself.

That is so much to carry by yourself. So please make sure you aren’t alone in this, either.

Your best friend won’t have the capacity to help you, that’s a given — but maybe another friend outside this inner circle can be your supportive listener? A therapist, if that’s feasible right now, can give you both some restorative guidance and a safe place to unburden. Grief support is appropriate here.