Reader wants to express sympathy to ex and his wife

Dear Carolyn: My first husband and I married right out of college. It was not a good decision for either of us, we were not a good match, but there wasn’t anything terrible in our marriage, either. We fell into the inertia trap. I had an affair with his cousin and we fell in love. We got a divorce and I remarried. My first husband is a standup guy, he’s just not the guy for me. My second husband and I have a strong marriage and three kids. A few years ago, my first husband met a woman who was recently widowed and they got married. Everybody was happy for them, including us.

This week, she delivered a stillborn baby at 37 weeks. Everybody is framing it as particularly awful since they both have already been through so much. This is said with a pointed look at me, but not my husband. We were also asked not to send anything or show support during this time, to simply remain silent. Carolyn, our divorce was 13 years ago. I feel like I am going to be blamed forever for the divorce, as if I am the only one who got it. I would very much like to acknowledge this devastating loss, and not being able to is very hard. My husband said we should do nothing and just continue on. But that feels so wrong. What do you suggest?

Fallout

I suggest you listen to your husband.

“I am going to be blamed forever for the divorce” is not a full reckoning. This would have been one: “I feel like I am going to be blamed forever for the affair.” Right? So you are indeed on an island with your past actions.

And so in this absolutely wretched moment of grief for him, the most generous thing you can do is act on his behalf, not yours.