7 steps for kids moving back home
The empty nests are starting to feel a bit full.
Young adults are returning to their parents’ homes with plans to stay a few weeks, a few months or an undefined period with an ever-rolling end date. A Pew Research Center survey found that more than half of people between the ages of 18 and 29 were living with their parents in July, a figure higher than at any time since the Great Depression.
“It doesn’t necessarily mean they’re taking a step back or putting their lives on pause,” said Daniela Domínguez, an assistant professor at the University of San Francisco and a practicing psychologist. “It might be financially more responsible.”
And with the holiday season in full swing, even those who are not moving in might be home for longer than usual because of health concerns, in deference to logistics or because working remotely makes it possible.
For those who have tasted independence, moving in with family, even temporarily, can be tricky. Parents, too, have their own lives and may struggle with adapting.
“Children and parents need to give each other space,” said Deborah Carr, a sociology professor at Boston University.
Here’s how to act like an adult, from move-in to move-out.
Step 1: Have an exit strategy
Before you move in, consider when and how you will move out. “Thinking about the future beyond the virus is good for everyone’s health and the family’s well-being,” said Tama Leventhal, a professor of child study and human development at Tufts University.
If you moved in with your parents for financial reasons, think about ways you can readjust your lifestyle once you’re ready to return to independent life. Then start saving that cash.
If you can work remotely, think about living somewhere where expenses are cheaper.
Step 2: Be honest about your needs, if only to yourself
If you want to live the way you have been — whether that means seeing friends, dating or long stretches of alone time — negotiate those needs ahead of time.
And when it comes to COVID19 safety, always defer to the highest-risk family member. “Everybody needs to get their act together and make sure that they’re not the potential person bringing danger into the household,” Carr said. “If one person gets sick, chances are everybody is going down.”
Once you have assessed your needs, share them. “Discuss class and work schedules, the division of household labor, the importance of personal space, use of common areas, and expectations about guests sleeping over,” Domínguez said.
Step 3: Ask how you can help
OK, so you’ve decided to move in. If you have an income, offer to pay some portion of the rent or mortgage, for part or all of the utilities or for groceries. If those are not viable options, look for more creative gaps to fill.
“Ask, ‘Can I buy Friday night’s dinner?’ ” said Ashley Dixon, lead planner at Gen Y Planning, a financial planning firm. Buy that Costa Rican coffee your mom raved about or the cabernet sauvignon your dad only drinks on special occasions.
If helping out financially is not within reach, volunteer your labor: Wash the dishes, walk the dog, cook dinner, vacuum the floors or mow the lawn.
Step 4: Set some shared goals
Just because you are on the Keto diet now does not mean you get to empty the fridge of Ben & Jerry’s and harangue your parents every time they eat pasta.
Unless your family members express interest in one of your undertakings, let them live. But if they do want to talk about setting mutual goals, go for it.
Step 5: Adjust expectations
“Stop, think and listen,” Leventhal said.
For example, if you want to spend the night at a “friend’s place,” it may feel awkward to begin that conversation. First, find out what your family thinks is acceptable in terms of exposure to COVID-19. “Would they feel comfortable with you going on a socially distanced date?” Domínguez said.
Once boundaries have been established, be respectful. If you are heightening their exposure to COVID-19, be transparent.
Step 6: There is going to be tension. Try to stay calm.
Some families have a higher tolerance for conflict; others avoid confrontation at all costs. Things are going to get heated. Before you lash out, walk away and do whatever you need to do to stay calm. That could be a walk, a yoga class, a meditation.
“Re-enter the conversation when there is less heightened emotional activity,” said Jacqueline Hudak, a family therapist in Philadelphia.
And be patient. Remember, Hudak said, “relational change takes time.”
Step 7: Enjoy your time together.
Plan a game night. Decorate. Use some of the money you are saving to watch “Mariah Carey’s Magical Christmas Special.” Have fun.