Husband’s bullying mother is planning a visit with family

Dear Miss Manners: My mother-in-law is a bully. For many years, I tried everything to make this relationship work. I attempted to ingratiate myself, politely stood up to her, and let the tears fall as she insulted me. According to her, it is not her fault that I am too stupid to do anything right and am so ridiculously hypersensitive — two of many things she cannot stand about me.

I try to manage the situation by encouraging my husband to visit her alone, and to call her with reasonable frequency. Our adult kids refuse to see her because of the way she treats me, which is not my wish.

However, her tongue is getting sharper with age, and I am becoming more resentful — both of the way she treats me, and the fact that my husband ignores the outrageous behavior and demands that I do the same. I believe that he can care about his mom, be a good son and still tell her firmly that she must not speak to his wife in an abusive manner.

He says she will never change, there is no point to confronting her, and I should just be grateful she does not live next door. I feel his silence gives her permission to be unkind, and tells me that I don’t matter to him at all.

This has been a particularly bad year for me, far beyond the Covid-induced stress that we are all feeling. I am dreading an upcoming visit, and am not sure I can handle myself in a way that I would not later be ashamed of. Under the circumstances, would it ever be OK to just walk out and not return until her visit is over?

Gentle Reader: If your husband is unable, or unwilling, to modify his mother’s unacceptable behavior, then it is time to absent yourself when she is present.