Older relatives are not direct in their communication

Dear Carolyn: What’s the best way to handle someone who communicates through hints? I have a notterribly-close relationship with an older relative that is ending because she kept dropping hints that her adult children need or want money and I didn’t take the hints. She is apparently angry with me that I’m not offering any money. I am beyond offended that she wants to treat me as a deep pocket.

We haven’t talked in a while, but it would be hard to explain what the rift is about since it all has to do with hints.

Should I have been more direct and told her outright that if she was asking for money, then I wasn’t offering? Or was it right to just not take the hints?

Not Picking Up Hints

Wut. OK, how’s this: Since none of this actually happened — her asking you for money, your saying no to that, her expressing anger at you, your expressing offense at being treated as a bank and/ or frustration at being expected to communicate through hints, nothing concrete anywhere to be found — why don’t you just proceed as if none of it actually happened?

As in, call her to check in, as usual. See if she wants company. If she declines, then shrug and mark your calendar to call her again in X amount of time to make the same offer. If/when she accepts, then go visit and deal with what you get when you get there. Assuming you ever get this far with her again, then you can just deal with any new hints from her however is easiest for you: Either decide upfront to ignore them all unless and until she expresses her wishes directly, or name them as follows: “Do I understand you correctly, you’re asking me for X?”