Pandemic brings out fault lines in relationship

Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend and I met online during the summer of the pandemic. We are attracted to each other, share values and interests, and enjoyed almost two months of intense connection, followed by four months of head-butting over time spent together, sex drive and love languages, with him feeling constantly rejected and me feeling constantly pressured and becoming reactive.

His style is a bit more attached and I’m very independent. We both began seeing therapists independently, and just started seeing a couples’ therapist.

Neither of us have fought this much in a relationship, especially not this early on when we don’t have a super sturdy foundation upon which to build.

I feel like perhaps being around each other so much in the pandemic has brought up so many issues that couples can easily delay confronting when they live fast-paced lives.

I’m thankful we can identify these things to work through, but ... we’re exhausted. We’re learning and growing, but damn, this is hard so early on. I’m struggling with when to forge ahead with finding balance, and when to call it incompatibility and move on.

So you’re six, seven months in, and you’ve been happy for only 30% to 33% of that time? And not even the most recent 30-ish%, but the longest-ago?

We date people before committing to them to learn whether they’re a good fit, but it works only if you’re willing to accept and act on the information it gives you. So, in this case: You’re incompatible. Accept it and move on.