Woman wants a guarantee that she will not be hurt

Carolyn Hax is away. The following first appeared Nov. 10, 2006.

Dear Carolyn: Is it reasonable to believe that two people can be in a relationship and never hurt each other?

An incredible woman I would love to be with asked me, as a prerequisite for our starting a relationship, to “promise that you will never hurt me.”

Granted, she has been hurt in the past, but this request seems unreasonable. I can promise that I would never do anything consciously to cause her any pain, but life has so many factors out of my control that this request seems idealistic to me. Am I just being selfish? O.

So, you, presumably, have never been hurt in the past? Nor has anyone else?

Show of hands, everybody, if you haven’t been hurt in the past. Maybe jump up and down. Flap your arms? Anyone?

It’s pointless to make demands that can’t be met, and I agree hers qualifies. You can promise not to be malicious (whether you want to set that precedent is another story), but you can’t promise that, say, your feelings for her won’t change someday or that you won’t become someone she dislikes. You can’t promise not to be human.

What concerns me more than her exercise in futility, though, is her exercise in self-absorption. By demanding special pain consideration, she’s implying that she deserves it — that her pain and suffering are such that her needs take priority. I hope this doesn’t hurt her feelings, but: barf.

We’ve all been hurt. We will all be again. We all deserve not to be recklessly so.