Aunt is upset that niece did not visit dying grandma

Dear Carolyn: My mother just died after a battle with lung cancer. She had three grandchildren, two of whom came to see her during her illness. One did not, though she did call once to talk with my mother.

I am having a hard time with my feelings toward this niece who didn’t visit. My mother helped her financially through college and tried to be a good grandmother to her. But my mother often said she didn’t feel loved by this niece. When she would say this, I would often defend the niece saying things like, “She’s busy with school.” But now I’m starting to think my mother was right.

I will see this niece tomorrow at the memorial service for my mother. I am angry that she will make time to come to the service, but didn’t make time to see my mother while she was alive.

How do I deal with this anger? What do I say to my niece?

Angry

“Hello, thank you so much for coming.” That’s it. There’s nothing to be gained in carrying a grudge forward on your mother’s behalf. It won’t help her now, or her memory; it probably won’t teach your niece anything, because she had her reasons — unknown to you — to make the choices she did.

Most of all, it won’t help you. It’s already inviting beside-the-point anger into a deeply emotional time for you.

This is the time to focus on your mom, your love for her, your formal goodbye and your time of mourning. Bring your attention back to that whenever you find your thoughts drifting to the niece.

I am so sorry for your loss.