Family disagrees on accepting gifts from an abuser

Dear Carolyn:

A family member is in an abusive relationship. For the most part, I believe the extended family has handled the situation fairly well. We have let the family member know we support them, have helped out in several situations where the family member has broken away from the relationship for a short period of time and have taken care to not do any victim-blaming. We are careful to not criticize the abuser and the abuser is included in functions where others with the same “relationship status” would be.

My question has to do with an issue outside of that. The abuser is charming and financially welloff, and generous with the wider family. Certain family members see no issue with being treated to dinner or taking up the offer of vacation-home use. Without making a big deal out of it, I have been careful to not avail myself of the abuser’s generosity. I have made my case to my family members, and they do not agree. They think it’s fine to accept things, partly because the abused family member encourages them to.

Your insight would be much appreciated.

Anonymous

You offered them tremendous insight already: that accepting these gifts makes it harder, and harder, and harder, every time, for your relative to get free of their abuser. It muddies things for someone already struggling to see clearly through the obfuscations of charm and abuse.

And your family members’ response to that insight is to ... enjoy a free vacation.

So, yeah. Not sure I can turn that leaking tanker around. The offer and acceptance of the abuser’s gifts is a section of the abuse cycle.