Husband doesn’t want to get advice when he is venting

Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: My husband works in an emotionally intense environment, and he often brings his work challenges home with him. He’s going through a really drawn-out conflict involving a few of his coworkers, who he views as “against” him.

I am just a bystander, but ... he sure seems in the wrong to me, and that’s with only his side of the story! I’m not sure how to handle it. He may just need support, not advice, and has not reacted well when I pointed out things I thought he might be doing wrong. It’s a frustrating and upsetting situation for him.

However, there is no one else in his life who’s getting this much detailed information, so there’s probably no one else to try to get him to see the other side — and that he might be mistreating his coworkers. So, what do I do?

Conditional Ally?

Tough one, because being in the “supportive listener” role for someone who is oblivious to their own culpability is a contradiction in terms. Your silence isn’t supportive, it’s making things worse.

But as you’ve seen, speaking up in a way that contradicts his victim narrative is not something he welcomes.

One workaround is to wait until he’s not unloading on you, and ask to speak generally about the way you and he talk about outside conflicts. Present this hypothetical: He’s venting, you’re listening. You notice he might be misreading a situation or unwittingly making something worse. Would he rather you just nod and listen, knowing it means he might go back and keep making things worse — or would he rather you point out the thing you noticed?