What to do when your baby will be a ‘second banana’

Dear Carolyn: My husband and I are expecting our first child after trying for a long time. I thought my parents would be thrilled for us. But this whole thing has been very much ... their third grandchild.

They’ve always been more enthusiastic and involved with anything my sister does. They lavished her with attention during her pregnancies and dote on her kids. They haven’t sent us anything for the baby or really checked in at all. Tonight we shared the baby’s name, with the middle name after my father, and their reaction was ... maybe mild happiness before changing the subject.

How do I let it go, that my parents aren’t going to give me the emotional support and enthusiasm I could use right now? More importantly, how do I navigate my child being the second banana?

Second Banana

Is there any reason you’re still in close contact with your parents, having evidence they will always and forever treat you as the lesser child? You’re still chasing a sister-level dose of their approval, still, and at risk of chasing forever unless you work on not needing it. Some suggestions:

* The first step is telling yourself the hardest possible truth. They will not value you as they value your sister.

* That is their fault. And their loss. They are sick people, if only because healthy ones would never so clearly favor one child over another.

* Your parents don’t deserve the attention you give them.

You can’t unbreak them, but you can break this cycle by resolving right now, today, to save your warmest attention for people who show the same regard for you.