Spouse doesn’t want to share news of surgery

Hi, Carolyn: I have been married to my wonderful husband for over a decade, we have two kids, and live within driving distance of our parents. I am looking into some health concerns (non-life-threatening) that may require a rather major surgery.

My mother-in-law often shares sensitive information about extended family members with us, and likewise has shared our sensitive info with others. The recovery would take several weeks, and I don’t want to offend them by not telling them — but I feel it is a personal issue that will be shared with others against my wishes if they are told.

Is it fair to ask my husband not to tell them?

Not Everyone’s Business

It is absolutely fair. Actions have consequences, and her unacceptable blabbing has the natural consequence of costing her access to information. Done. As far as that goes.

But there’s more to it when you include the consequences of your actions. By choosing not to tell your mother-in-law, you will create other ripples:

* Your husband will have to withhold information from his parents as he (non-)answers their difficult questions, civilly and without lying to them, which is doable but taxing.

* You both will have to get through your recovery, and all the post-op care, child care and housekeeping that entails, without his parents’ help.

* You will assume the risk of his parents’ finding out from some other source besides you and your husband, which is pretty high given that others will assume they know — with a high likelihood of it all rebounding back onto you mid-recovery in the form of their anger and hurt feelings.