This season, offer gift of forgiveness
“All you have to do is listen to the voices,” Tyler Perry’s character Madea says, encouraging forgiveness.
This time of year has taught me to appreciate not taking things for granted. I think of those moments when my children wanted to tell me something, and I was too busy; or when a preacher talked about seeing the logs in my eyes so I could remove the specks in the eyes of the person sitting next to me. I am sometimes sadly reminded of voices I may have silenced because pain was too hard to fathom, forget or forgive. There were guiding voices I should have listened to.
The holidays often invite hurt and pain so deep it can be difficult to fathom. You’re either invited or not to someone’s house for dinner. You may avoid invitations by pretending to be busy. You may hunger for more than a lavish table of food and cupboard of beverages to quell a deep pain. Data show an increase in domestic violence and suicide attempts during this time of year.
The writer Maya Angelou said people will forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel. Acknowledging pain — which you may have caused or received — is a prelude to forgiveness and healing. It’s not easy. It’s often the time that precedes the blessing at the table. But it can be hard to sit at the table without remembering that which has hardened you, especially during the holidays. But learning to speak from the heart is revelatory and holds a blessing there. If you listen to the right voices, there is healing.
Letting things go allows you to admit you’d rather not be weighted with mistakes that can’t be mended without saying the words, “I forgive you and want you in my life.”
People have wronged you. I know because I have done it. Sometimes it took me years to admit it wasn’t others needing forgiveness, but me.
I had to forgive myself for what I didn’t know; forgive myself for not wanting to admit the truth. I had to turn that knowledge into an act. Others’ voices helped me.
I had to learn to forgive my parents for splitting apart. Divorce is never easy. It weighs heavily with guilt, fear and pain. Children often feel they have to choose. It takes time to underwrite that guilt, fear and pain with the understanding the choice is about healing. I found it through forgiveness. Forgiveness provides hope. We all want hope. Even when the spouse knows reconciliation is no longer possible, they must not think the family can’t heal.
Finding hope replenishes the best we are. We
find love deep inside we didn’t know we had. Remember, nothing lasts forever, not even the pain. Understand no matter how deep the pain might be, you have the tools to dig it up. When you feel you can’t caress, confront and comfort, you’ll discover forgiveness helps. Forgiveness is a pathway to healing if you hear what the voices tell you.
Move forward as you accept with courage, commitment and candor a truth that you owe yourself better. Forgiveness helps you enjoy not only the moment, but future moments. Forgiving creates peace. It might not seem that way today, tomorrow, or next year, but eventually, it’s a medicine that comforts.
“Sometimes all you can do is pray and love them,” a friend once voiced to me when I was having a difficult time trying to overlook hurt, tears and rejection by my son.
Understanding that truth helped me navigate and create a narrative that included admission, acceptance and accommodation. I had to admit that trying to assess blame was wrong. I had to accept we both wanted the same things and love was central to healing. I had to accommodate how we might never fully agree, which was more important than trying to prove one of us was right. The voices will tell you it takes effort, but it’s worth it.
So, together, find a way to dry tears, share laughter and let things go. Commit to making life better through forgiveness as you realize you have no idea how deep you can really love until you’ve tried.