Holiday cook feels disrespected, taken for granted

Dear Carolyn: I’m a pretty good cook. When I host for holidays, I cook the main dish and supervise the whole meal. But I don’t like to cook in other people’s homes because it takes so much time to find things in a strange kitchen. Plus, non-cooks have crappy equipment, and the hosts have control over the menu and the operation.

When my wife’s relatives host, they always assume I will cook their meal. As a good guest, I take the path of least resistance (and conflict avoidance) and cook for them. In my family, whoever is hosting cooks the big meal. My problem is, certain family members on my wife’s side refuse to come to holidays at my house. It’s always some last-minute reason. They beg and plead we must attend at their home — and then just assume I will slave in the kitchen while they get drunk. Because it is my wife’s stepmother, I don’t wish to create drama.

And, let me be honest, I do enjoy cooking for people and it all works out fine.

But what irks me most is that I feel disrespected and taken for granted. How can I get out of being the cook without ruffling their feathers? The in-laws are extremely entitled and thin-skinned.

1. Stop agreeing to be taken for granted, ideally with your wife’s support. Don’t let anyone’s thin skin scare you. If you don’t want to cook (wherever), then don’t cook.

2. So, set the priorities you can, such as, your kitchen only? BYO equipment? Cook-and-carry?

3. With family, you get what you get. Appraise them and their rituals for what you love, then show up for that, not for what they want from you.