Reader wants to cut ties with sister, not rest of family

Dear Carolyn: How do you divorce a sister when you have three other siblings you want to stay in touch with? I am the only one who lives in another town. For decades, I have put up with her rudeness, lies, and all-out attempts to diminish me. She enters a room, after not seeing me for months, and walks right by me pretending I am not there. She talks over me when I am trying to speak. When she does speak to me, it is only to tell me how hard her life is, or how wrong I am.

After my mother passed away last month, she barely spoke to me except to yell at me for writing an obituary she agreed to. I’m done with her, but still want to see my other siblings. How do I manage this untenable situation? I’ve really tried, but I’m ...

Just Done With It

Short answer, you don’t divorce the sister. Estrangement is awful. Sometimes it’s necessary — mainly, when being in someone’s presence puts you at risk of physical or psychological injury. That’s when you decide exposure to the problem sister is so painful you’re willing to risk the other siblings if that’s the price for saving yourself.

Is that where you are? Because what you describe looks — and do correct me if I’m wrong — more like advanced fatigue at dealing with an obnoxious, oddly juvenile adult. And getting away from her, as dreamy as it sounds, might not be worth the collateral damage to your bond with your other siblings.

Your geography plays a role in this calculation. Living elsewhere while they’re all in the same town means the planets will rarely if ever align to bring sibs together in different configurations that happen not to include the rude one.