Daughter feels sworn to silence about secret sister

Dear Carolyn: My parents had a child before they were married and gave her up for adoption. My parents are divorced, and my father told me about this six years ago, a few years before his death. He and his daughter had been in touch, exchanging letters and photos but not mentioning anything to me or my brother.

I told my mother I knew, and she refused to discuss it, saying neither her extended family nor her current husband knows and I must not tell them. I haven’t met my sister, but we are in touch and do plan to meet. My mom doesn’t know about the upcoming meeting but obviously would not want me to put anything on social media where other family members could see it. And even if I do not post anything, if my sister does and tags me, then my family members will still see it.

Am I obliged to censor what I share about my life because my mom wants to keep this a secret? Anonymous

First, a clarification of terms. To “censor” is not the same thing as “not use social media.” You can both choose not to use social media and be a living, breathing, ambulatory fire hose of free expression. At the very same time.

Are you asking me whether you have to censor yourself ? Then I say no. Your sister is a fully autonomous person, not some secret your mom gets to hide. Are you asking me whether you have to keep your sister encounter off social media? Then I say not posting/tweeting about it is the very least of the kindnesses you have available toward your mom and the rest of your family as this story breaks.

Chat with Carolyn online at 11 a.m. each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.