San Diego Union-Tribune (Sunday)
I LAUGH AND CRY WITH THESE MEN
As a marriage and family therapist at License to Freedom, a nonprofit in El Cajon supporting Middle Eastern refugees navigating domestic violence issues, there are tensions in sharing the following story.
The Middle Eastern community is often targeted by racist characterizations depicting women as submissive and men as domineering and violent. It is an effective form of propaganda used to justify military intervention in the Middle East and the failures of rehabilitation here in the U.S. My work as a therapist in the domestic violence community in San Diego exposes this narrative as a doubly complicated one when it enters the American legal system layered with exclusionary Defense Department provisions.
Empathy is seeing ourselves in another. Solidarity is standing with those in whom we cannot “see” ourselves. The complex work with Arabicspeaking men in the Domestic Violence Intervention Program (DVIP) has taught me the politics of revolutionary love — how to invite accountability while staying connected and compassionate.
Zamani is a bilingual marriage and family therapist, the head of clinical services at License to Freedom and a lecturer at San Diego State University. He lives in Normal Heights.
Imagine that you’re a 10-year-old boy in Iraq, and your nation has just been invaded by the United States intent on exacting a price for 9/11.
At 12 years old, you witness your best friend disintegrate from a drone strike.
Ten years into the war, at age 22, imagine your family’s business has been destroyed, along with your health and any sense of calmness. It’s a period in your life when you are supposed to begin creating loving relationships. You find that you cannot keep friends as the ripple effects of daily violence have shaped you to mistrust.
By a stroke of luck, at 25 you’re granted a visa to the United States. You imagine a life away from war.
With little money and scant English, you arrive in San Diego. Your knowledge of the United States is limited, beyond Hollywood movies. Enrolling in community college is your first step.
At college, for the first time, your heart flutters with the potential of love. Your halting English and cultural barriers frustrate you, making you insecure and overbearing. The relationship disappears when you go to her social media platforms. Her response is, “Please leave me alone. I don’t want to talk to you. You’re scaring me.” You cross a line by using threatening lan