Family member always arrives late and leaves early

Dear Carolyn: HELP! One of our family members habitually comes late to a gathering, making the grand entrance.

She and her daughter attended a wedding shower. They came late, ate the food and minimally socialized. Just as the presents were opened the two of them got up and exited the shower, smiling as they left. Fifteen months later, the same two attended a baby shower for the same relative. They again came late, barely interacted with anyone.

When the meal was served, they ate and — again, just as presents were to be opened — they got up and left.

Several attendees made comments to their rudeness. We were all brought up to believe that if you attend an event, then you stay for the event, not eat and run. If you can’t stay for the party, don’t come.

Please let us know how to deal with this relative, who feels this is acceptable behavior.

Frustrated in the West Answer: Well, wait.

This is about past behavior, right, that you lately have all the time in the world to ruminate on, because you are currently not gathering to keep your community safe? Right?

You also don’t know your family member “feels this is acceptable.” You know she arrives late and leaves early — that’s the extent of your direct knowledge. Beyond that is speculation.

If you know her really well, then it’s informed speculation, yes. But people can swan in late and still feel shame for it, for example.

Or she can know it’s wrong and know others resent it, but still have reasons for doing it that outweigh the social-damage risk. And the “grand entrance” you’re harrumphing could, to her, be a walk of shame she wishes she were organized enough to avoid. Or an unfortunate necessity. These are examples of speculation that doesn’t assume the worst of her.

So that’s where I will start my advice: Deal with this by not filling in any of the blanks with negative judgments. I, too, was “brought up to believe” a lot of inflexible ways of behaving and perceiving, and I can vouch firsthand for the liberating effect of rethinking and even rejecting such indoctrination.

Is etiquette important? Yes, emphatically so. It gives us a general idea of how to be considerate. It’s a blueprint for people who don’t want to give offense.

But it stops being useful when it’s deployed instead as a blueprint for taking offense.

I urge you and your fellow attendees to deal charitably with this relative and anyone else who goes off the script as harmlessly, in the scheme of things, as she does.

When(ever) she arrives, be happy to see her; when(ever) she leaves, say you’re glad she came. When she’s there, engage her in conversation. Go out of your way to include her — unless she’s clearly uncomfortable with hostly attention, in which case you make it your privilege to give her space.

This grace costs you nothing. It might enrich you both.

You can see it as rewarding bad behavior, sure — or you can see it as prioritizing inclusion. Up to you. Latter feels kinder.

And if you still need persuading, try this.

Do you love this family member — or, at a minimum, feel it’s important to keep including her, if for no other reason than to avoid drama or to keep the daughter in the fold? Then you can decide that’s a good enough reason to find excuses not to take offense.

Hi, Carolyn: My parents divorced decades ago, and my dad is now going through a divorce with the woman he left my mom for, the mother of a beloved half-sibling.

It took a long time for my full siblings and me to get to a point where we have a good relationship with our dad after he and our mom divorced, partly because he didn’t seem to think we should be concerned about the divorce since it was between him and Mom. We ranged in age from about 13 to 22 at the time.

Now it seems like he’s repeating some of this with my half-sibling, 19, who has expressed unhappiness about this to me. Should I say something to Dad or keep out of it?

Anonymous

Answer: It doesn’t sound as if you have to get into it — or, even better, have to bother trying to decide whether to get into it.

You can deliver all the insight you want to deliver directly to the halfsibling — an advantage you didn’t have at the time. “Yep, he did this to us.” “Nope, not your fault.” “Yep, we got past it — not that it means you and he will, just that we can try to help you with that if you want.”

If it comes up organically with your dad, or if your half-sibling asks you to step in, then have at it: “Dad, it affects us, we care.” From there, it’s up to him.