Friend’s racial insensitivity worse than a ‘bad habit’

Carolyn Hax is away. The following first appeared Nov. 26, 2006, and Jan. 12, 2007

Dear Carolyn: How do you deal with a friend who occasionally makes you feel uncomfortable with her use of racial epithets? She is otherwise a great friend who is always there for me and others. My discomfort with this has increased because people in my husband’s family have married outside their race — and I must add, to very wonderful people whom I have gotten closer to recently.

Is it worth confronting my friend on my feelings, or should I just accept that she has a bad habit of being racially insensitive in her conversations and overlook her comments?

S.

Answer: Eating too many Twinkies is a bad habit. Biting your nails is a bad habit. I think anyone who has been on the receiving end of an epithet will tell you that using them is not a “bad habit.”

It’s the release of linguistic toxins into the air, and it denies anyone who comes in contact, even secondhand, an opportunity to breathe the clean air of mutual respect.

It’s ignorance, fear and injustice. I’m glad your rainbow of wonderful in-laws helped stir up your sympathies, but even if it were a rainbow of despicable in-laws, your duty would be the same. Whether they are wonderful or despicable speaks to their character, remember, not their race. That’s why epithets are so ugly.

You say she is a good friend to you. Be a good friend to her and point out — when she uses them in your presence — that these terms disturb you. There’s always a chance she doesn’t quite know what she’s saying, in which case you’ll save her from dropping more bombs. And if she does know, then you’ll have made it clear that not even friends are safe havens for hate. Useful information if she ever hopes to keep quality friends.

Dear Carolyn: When my soonto-be fiancé and I were first dating two years ago, I was a little insecure and he was a little overbearing, and I told him a little white lie about my educational history.

He is somewhat annoyingly obsessed with educational credentials, and I felt he was breathing down my neck. Rather than be mature and tell him to get over it, I was a wimp and lied. We barely knew each other then, and I never suspected we’d be together long-term.

Lesson learned. Now we are planning to get married, and I feel horrible about this. My boyfriend abhors lying and is very sensitive about trust issues. Moreover, he has forwarded my white lie on to several people, while I cringed and tried to change the subject.

How can I come clean but do some damage control? I really love him and have been entirely honest with him otherwise.

Penitent Pinocchio Answer: Shuffle, backpedal, dance, bob, weave, cringe, tiptoe-tiptoe-tiptoe. You must be exhausted.

He “abhors lying”? And the rest of us, what, dig it? Brush it off ? Seek it out?

A control freak by any other selfimportant, self-righteous name still smells as ... controlly.

You know what I mean. But this doesn’t even need to be about him.

If you’re still so fearful of his disapproval that you can’t tell him an awkward truth, then your entire relationship is a white lie. Tell him. Face the damage.

I believe the right person for you will both forgive your insecurity — as long as you admit to it, no excuses

— and do some soul-searching about his own heavy-handedness.

If you believe this, too, then you need to find out whether he’s really the guy you want to marry. He either responds warmly and lifts the weight of your secret off your shoulders, or he punishes you and the weight of a smug, exacting, unyielding mate is off your shoulders — provided, of course, you have the strength to walk away.

None of us is without frailty. However, feeling ashamed of our frailties is a virtual invitation for predatory others to come help us feel worse — usually under the guise of trying to fix us.

It would be more useful just to learn to spot people who are trying to make us good enough for them, then graciously tell them to stuff it.

Dear Carolyn: If one half of a couple doesn’t want to attend an event, can’t he or she not go?

Washington

Answer: As long as it’s not their wedding, I don’t see a problem with it.

Disclaimer: This statement is not to be used as justification for blowing off something your mate really cares about.

Disclaimer disclaimer: The first disclaimer is not to be used as a blunt instrument against a mate who really just wants to sit this one out.

Disclaimer disclaimer disclaimer: If you’re reading this deeply into the fine print to negotiate who goes to what with whom, then maybe you two should just talk.

Email Carolyn at tellmewashpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at 9 a.m. Pacific time each Friday at www.washingtonpost. com.

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