‘Feminist’ man isn’t a fan of women being called ‘girl’

Hello, Carolyn: I’m a 72-year-old male and consider myself a feminist in the sense of equality.

Not infrequently, and more so in medical facilities for some reason, I have interacted with women who refer to other female employees as girls: “Give these papers to the girl at the front desk,” or some such.

Since they may not see me cringe, hidden by my masks, what can I say to object? Not to offend, but still make it clear this is really demeaning? I know they are working hard, but, really?

L.

Answer: You, a man, cannot tell women what does or does not demean them. Because that is demeaning, to suggest they cannot think for or competently represent themselves.

Also, women can use “girl” because it’s their sex, and the term is meant to diminish them; they can adopt it or co-opt it as they please.

They also may very well say “guy” in analogous situations, which would make “girl” perfectly fine by the standards you’re applying. Man/ woman, gentleman/lady, guy/girl, boy/girl, male/female — all pass the gender-bias test when used in matched sets. It’s the persistent use of man/girl, or man/lady, man/female — or woman/guy! — that gets a soul into trouble.

If you don’t know whether these women use “guy” in the same context, because there has never actually been a “guy” at the front desk or window or counter to whom you’ve given your papers? Then a feminist man concerned about equal opportunity for women might want to make the ongoing, disproportionate reliance on women to fill what are generally low-paid, dead-end, publicfacing, crucial clerical positions, and the lingering effects in the workplace of centuries of American male chauvinism that represents, the focus of his well-meaning concern.

Maybe not interrupting their workflow to judge and correct them, in the meantime, is the most accessible means you have to pitch in for the cause.

Dear Carolyn: COVID has really separated us. My 45-year-old daughter and her family live three hours away from me. I haven’t seen her in person or on video chat for 14 months. While she will call the children together for a Facetime visit, I do not get to see HER. She will not talk to me on the phone either.

I have reached out several times to schedule a visit, masked and distanced, but she refuses. Although my husband and I have been vaccinated against the virus, she will not let us into her home. I’ve asked for her benchmarks for a visit to no avail. I’ve also asked to Facetime with just adults to try to work this out. She refuses.

How can a mother break through?

Feeling Helpless and Hopeless

Answer: A mother can’t, if her daughter doesn’t want that.

And she has been telling you in several different ways for 14 months that she doesn’t.

I am sorry to be the paraphraser of bad news.

Why she has pushed you away, I can’t say. You wrote that “COVID ... separated us,” but I can’t see how you can blame COVID-19 for her refusal to Facetime you when she allows her kids to. Something else is going on here.

By your account, your response to her every “no” is to try a new angle — and that alone can strain a relationship.

So there could be two reasons here for her withdrawal: 1. her initial one last year, whatever it was (which could indeed have been COVID, or the exhaustion it famously delivered to people caring for children); and 2. the new one you gave her when you kept pressing her for more attention than she had to give.

But I’m just spitballing. For all I know you said or did something awful and un-covid-related to her a year ago and you won’t own up to it, or she’s being awful now. If I start listing reasons grown children estrange themselves from their parents, I’ll still be typing when the next pandemic hits.

What matters is that you become a better listener, stat: “You’ve been saying no, and I’ve been so caught up in changing your mind that I forgot to listen. I’m sorry. I will take no for an answer and stop pushing. I’m here when you’re ready. And, if I haven’t said so already or enough, thank you for being so good about putting the kids on Facetime with us.”

This might leave you feeling resentful, as if you’re the one doing all the sacrificing here. That’s a common complaint when I recommend a full retreat — but it’s also a trap. It temps you into looking for fairness when fairness doesn’t apply; reality is in control. And reality says you can’t make your daughter do anything (in fact, it’s probably tired of repeating itself ), whether fairness demands it or not. You can work only on your side of the problem.

So, you offer her respect, space, grace — and give yourself the best chance of mending the breach.