HOW TO DECIDE WHAT TO KEEP AND WHAT GOES
A professional organizer’s tips for downsizing an aging parent
My mom is a huge collector, and she is particularly partial to collecting pieces for her home. She and my dad used to do a lot of antiquing back in the 1980s and ’90s. She cherishes the items that have been passed down by family members, has always loved little knickknacks and has been known to splurge on holiday decorations. She has also lived her entire life near a town in Wisconsin where antiques and little tchotchkes are sold in abundance, making it easy to expand those collections. In short, she has a lot of stuff.
So when the time came recently for me and my siblings to help her downsize from a three-level home to a two-bedroom apartment, the task seemed daunting, even for someone who organizes people’s homes for a living and has helped many people move to smaller homes. I was pleasantly surprised, however, that despite the physical work that was required, the process went much more smoothly and quickly than I would have anticipated. Here are three reasons that happened.
1. Timing
Although it’s not ideal to make a huge life transition during a global pandemic, this was the moment when my mom finally felt ready to take the leap. My sister, my brother and I had been trying to get her to move for years, without any luck. But this summer, she found an apartment she liked, in a location she wanted, and we were off to the races.
One key to getting parents or relatives to make a decision to downsize is to start discussing options well before a move is necessary and hopefully when they are still in good health. This gives them the opportunity to look around at different options and consider their priorities. It also allows them to be in charge, instead of feeling like they’re not in control.
Planning ahead also gives people time to contemplate the items they would absolutely like to keep, what they can part with and what they would like to give to family members. All of this takes time.
2. Being inquisitive and intentional
My mom’s memory is still intact, and maybe even better than my own. It was helpful that she could tell me where items had come from, and with some of her antiques, what they had been used for. I could also ask whether she had used something in the past year to determine if she really needed it, and I was able to make sure that my siblings and I could each have something we wanted from past generations.
Some people may think that dividing up someone’s possessions while they’re still alive is morbid, but it actually creates some peace of mind for everyone and helps to avoid conf lict over valuable items in the event of a health emergency or death.
3. Shared decisions
Clients often hire me to help a relative downsize because they feel as if their parents won’t listen to them and that a third party will be better able to facilitate decision-making. And sometimes, this is true. Moving and downsizing are big jobs, both physically and emotionally, so it is understandable for everyone to feel overwhelmed.
I have found that it’s important to try to avoid making judgments about every decision and to instead have some empathy for all that the person who is downsizing is giving up.
If both parties can enter into downsizing with an open mind, you’ll be setting yourself up for a less contentious undertaking.
Explain to your parents that you understand the difficulty associated with giving up prized possessions and express empathy for their situation. Dictating to people what they are allowed to keep or absolutely must get rid of is not the way to go and will make everyone feel bad.
I didn’t make my mom part with everything. Instead, we went through items methodically and made decisions based on the need for and the importance of an item relative to other pieces in the same category.
A move is never easy, and when it involves downsizing a parent, it is even more fraught. Not everything with my mom’s recent move went smoothly. There were some arguments and some tears, as well as a healthy dose of both sadness and happiness. But I believe it went as well as possible, because the timing was right, and it was done deliberately and with understanding.