WE DECIDED TO HAVE AN ABORTION. THAT WAS A MISTAKE.

In my 20s, my girlfriend and I mutually agreed to abort our baby in the first trimester of her pregnancy. I do not remember talking about having a baby, nor do I have any recollection of my emotional state at the time, but I do remember it was a mix of emotions. Though trivial, I recall my ex-partner having food cravings, and it was for something spicy and something from a fruitería shop; this unfortunately may be my only memory of her pregnancy.

The week or so I knew I had helped create a baby after the results of the pregnancy test was joyful. However, I did not know what it meant to have a child on the way, I was not prepared for a child. I was a typical young man raised in the U.S.: I was immature, had a serious lack of motivation, and, if my drinking habits continued, I would have been at serious risk of developing alcoholism.

Although I had supportive parents who financially were in a place to help me out, the worries of being able to raise a child with my broken life weighed on me. I was not doing well in school, my girlfriend was living with me in my parents’ house, and the dynamics between my dad and girlfriend were horrible. The messages I heard around me were, “You can’t have a baby now! Think of your future!” The list of why we were not qualified to raise a child started to get longer and longer.

We somehow decided to have an abortion; I say somehow because I don’t remember what the process of this was and we did not have any memorable conversations about what it meant. I did not feel comfortable speaking to my parents about this choice as I thought I’d get in trouble for not being diligent for using a condom.

I drove my girlfriend to and from the private hospital where the abortion took place. I remember the pain and how much we cried.

For years, I did not process the event that had taken place, nor did my risky sex life change. In the future, I continued to use a condom sometimes, but when I did not, the morning after pill was readily available.

That relationship ended after other life difficulties overwhelmed us, so we decided to go our separate ways. Since choosing to abort our baby, we have not spoken to each other about our choice.

Although it still hurts that I do not have the gift of a child in my life, I have experienced much healing through an active search to reconcile this choice. Through sharing my story, I hope that others do not make the same mistake I made.