San Francisco Chronicle - (Sunday)
Six weird Santa movies, from treacly to gory.
It’s been no sleigh ride, 2020.
But if you’re looking forward to beating the holiday blues by spending December on the couch and plowing through Christmasthemed content, we have your back. You could try the traditional fare: This year, the Hallmark Channel and Lifetime are serving up a whopping 70 allnew holiday sap fests combined.
Or there’s always this weird Santa marathon. In order of tamest to lamest, here are six movies featuring everyone’s favorite bearded altruist ( well, most of the time).
Fred Claus ( 2007): If you’ve seen a Vince Vaughn movie before, you probably know what to expect. Lots of shtick. Lots of corny jokes. Still, this cluttered, yet sentimental, movie about Santa’s estranged brother Fred ( Vaughn), who eventually tries to make amends and save Christmas from a disastrous toy factory audit, is semienjoyable if you don’t look too closely. Ignore the underdeveloped subplots involving Fred’s girlfriend ( Rachel Weisz) and his orphan neighbor ( Bobb’e J. Thompson), and focus on any scene involving Santa ( scenestealing Paul Giamatti) looking exasperated. What to look forward to: a Siblings Anonymous meeting featuring cameos by Fred Stallone, Stephen Baldwin and Bill Clinton’s brother; and lots of ( fabulous) ugly Christmas sweaters. Watch it: Rent on various services, including Vudu. Bad Santa ( 2003): No weird
Santa list is complete without Billy Bob Thornton’s rendition of a supremely crusty and perpetually sauced mall rentaSanta, hellbent on gaming the system by robbing the store on Christmas eve with the help of his elf partner ( Tony Cox).
What to look forward to: smaller performances by the lateandgreat John Ritter and Bernie Mac, a scene involving a handcarved wooden pickle ( um), everything about Thurman Merman ( Brett Kelly) and the most epic wedgie captured on film. Plus, it’s directed by Terry Zwigoff. What’s not to like?
Watch it: Rent on various services, including Amazon Video.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians ( 1964): In 1964, producer Paul L. Jacobson made this B movie in two weeks for a measly $ 200,000. It promptly tanked. In 1978, the film was listed in the book “The Fifty Worst Films of All Time.” But since then, a la “Rocky Horror Picture Show,” it has become a cult classic. Made popular by “Mystery Science Theater 3000,” the movie about a Martian scheme to kidnap St. Nick so he can distribute gifts to alien kids is so laughably bad that it’s perfect for midnight viewing on Christmas Eve. What to look forward to: the screen debut of actress and singer Pia Zadora, a troop of unitardwearing spacemen sporting plastic stun guns and the particularly earwormy theme song, “Hooray for Santy Claus!” Watch it: Stream on Amazon Prime Video.
Santa Claus ( 1959): The story isn’t what matters in this equally lowbudget Mexican fantasy movie about the devil’s plot to terminate Christmas by enticing naughty children to kidnap Santa and filch all his presents. It’s all the other absurdity, including Santa’s Xanadustyle space lab ( think disco colors and lots of wonky tubes and knobs), a nonPC musical number at the beginning featuring groups of kids from different countries ( yes, the kids from Africa are in loincloths), and a dream sequence in which a poor girl named Lupita is tormented by lifesized dancing dolls who entice her to steal. What to look forward to: Santa assistant Merlin’s muttering as he shuffles, mechanical reindeer and loads of high jinks. Watch it: Stream on YouTube.
Fatman ( 2020): Written by brothers Eshom and Ian Nelms (“Small Town Crime”), this miserable movie is as gratuitously violent and ridiculous as they come. It stars Mel Gibson as downtrodden and cashstrapped Chris Cringle, who makes a deal with the U. S. government to create control panels for fighter jets in exchange for subsidizing his holiday production cycle. Meanwhile, he’s also defending himself against a hit man ( the usually amazing Walton Goggins) hired by a pissedoff rich kid ( Chance Hurstfield) who received coal in his stocking the year prior. If that dumpster fire of a plot didn’t grab you, here’s what not to look forward to: violence, violence and more violence, including a mass shooting at the North Pole. Watch it: Rent on various services, including Vudu.